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nyandereneko) wrote2019-07-05 08:00 am
nyandereneko) wrote2019-07-05 08:00 am
Entry tags:
Everything You've Been Through
Word Count: 1,684
Summary: Fighting for the good of humanity is a tall order, and sometimes Nova still finds herself hopelessly perplexed as to how Ren has managed to carry on even after everything that’s happened.
*Author’s Note*: It’s been a while since I wrote anything for my precious boy, but I’m so glad I was able to! This is kind of an homage to and reward for me making it through the entire game on my own! I’ve watched all the way through it before, so I knew the plot and everything, but I never actually managed to play through the whole game myself despite owning it. That is, until a few weeks ago, and I was inspired to write this as a result!! And also because I’m always sipping that “love my bf” juice lmao. I hope you enjoy! Also not sure if it’s obvious but this fic mentions serious endgame spoilers, I know the game’s almost been out for 3 years but like. Just in case lol.
She’d examined the objects proudly displayed on these attic shelves plenty of times. Various souvenirs and charms that he’d amassed over the years, tokens of experiences he preferred not to part with. She’d commented on and asked him about them plenty of times, too. Unfortunately, every time she laid eyes on them she couldn’t seem to stop the subconscious reaction that sparked in her mind. She couldn’t prevent the wheels of her thoughts from turning to the perilous journey he’d been on, revisiting the details of just how far he’d come from the edge of despair. Exploited at every turn, rewarded for his efforts by having his existence revoked from this world, facing a god born of the people’s will that wanted nothing more than for he and his friends to perish…sometimes she still struggled to wrap her head around it. She wondered if he still struggled to do the same.
“How could you go back to a normal life after all that?”
It was a fair question, if not a little jarring and out of the blue. A topic she was sure he must have tackled on his own at least once before. Maybe it was something they’d all discussed together, like some kind of support group. That would make sense, considering they were the only other people in the entire world that could relate to the kind of nightmare they’d been through. It would have been bizarre if he brushed it off, if any manner of self-reflection had failed to cross his mind. Was it wrong for her to probe him with these questions, though…was it painful for him to remember? It must have been, and she was stupid for thinking otherwise. The words had already left her mouth, though; she was helpless to do much more than wait for his response. Perhaps he didn’t even have one, his own train of thought derailed by the prospect of delving back into that bleakness, a misery that he’d grown accustomed to repressing in the secluded corners of his mind.
“Actually, forget I said anything.” The silence lingered on, and in lieu of his delay she figured maybe there really was still a way to salvage the conversation. “Sorry, it was insensitive of me to—”
“I don’t mind talking about it.” She couldn’t believe that—she wouldn’t. “It’s not like I can pretend none of it happened.”
“Of course you can,” she argued, sitting up from where she’d been lounging on the bed. She’d positioned herself so she could observe him as he tinkered with something at his work desk, yet another permanent fixture of this room made of memories. Afternoon light poured in through the windows, providing the space with more than enough illumination. The rays warmed the floorboards and the soft bed cushion, as well as Nova when she’d been soaking them in. They’d brushed against Ren’s back as she’d watched his shoulders twitch, his head tilt this way and that as he intently fiddled with whatever object happened to be occupying his attention.
“Dealing with it that way doesn’t sound like a good idea,” he pointed out in protest.
“It doesn’t matter how you deal with it, as long as you’re okay…” A careless suggestion, but to a certain extent she meant it. Nothing mattered more to her than his wellbeing, his happiness. All she wanted to do was see him laugh and smile with a carefree air, with the kind of lightheartedness he’d been robbed of so unfairly only a few years ago. In the present it seemed that he’d gotten most of it back, that he could wake up in the morning and inhale an unburdened breath the way she knew he always deserved to. It was unfair that there was ever a time he hadn’t.
“To be honest, I’m still not entirely sure how I managed it myself.” Well, he was going to ignore her…or at least bring the conversation back to her previous point. “You’ve been there with me a few times. Seen the episodes and nightmares I get every now and then. So, clearly I didn’t make out unscathed.”
“I already know that,” she uttered a tremulous whisper, fingers paralleling the unease in her voice as she suddenly reached down and touched his wrist. He glanced up, slightly startled, having not even heard her approach. She traced the light impression of a scar that’d sunk into his skin, an outline indicative of the callous treatment he’d been subjected to in custody. No—it was blatant abuse. She’d never know any specifics about the perpetrators, but she didn’t need to to know she’d never forgive them, whoever they were. “Sometimes I wonder why you even bothered coming back. Doing any of this again, I mean. When you know the risks.”
“So I can help people like you,” his response was lightning fast, like he’d been waiting for her to say something along those lines. “It’s not like just anyone’s cut out for this sort of thing. And I mean, it’s fun in its own way.”
“I know it’s more fun and games now, too,” she echoed, seemingly unable to do much more than parrot his sentiments. “I didn’t have to suffer through anything as terrible as you did, as you all did.”
“I think you’ve endured your own fair share of—”
“Well, it’s not a contest,” she interrupted. “More than that, I’ve never dealt with anything close to the same kind of physical trauma. That much is undeniable. And I know I’m lucky for it…but I just—”
“You’ve said before that you don’t know how you would have handled it, or if you even could have,” he took over, grasping her shaky hand with both of his. “And I told you that I’m glad you weren’t there, in that case. Because I was barely able to hold it together for myself and the others. If I’d had you to worry about, too, I don’t know if I would have had the same conviction to make the choices I did.”
“Choices that saved everyone.” The silence grew heavy again, tension thickening like molasses around them. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy.” She supposed she couldn’t refute him. “I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my entire life. And I try not to dwell on the things that happened. I’m sure some of it I’ll never be able to fully process, but that’s okay. Because it’s in the past, and right now I’m with you in the present. That makes things a lot better than you think.”
“I’m grateful for everything you did,” she continued softly. “I know everyone else is, too. And I’m grateful in the stead of all the people who don’t realize everything you sacrificed, everything you went through to protect the world.”
“I think you’re starting to exaggerate—”
“No. You know I’m not.” Her tone was firm and finite, eyes set with the inflexibility of dried concrete. “No one knows better than you how much I’m not. Even I can’t completely know, only going off of what you and the others have told me. But it was all of you versus an otherworldly being that was powerful enough to bend, shape, even destroy and reform reality. And even though the Metaverse still exists, I’ve never encountered anything close to that since I started doing this kind of stuff, either.”
“Hopefully you never will.” He smiled, pressing the back of her hand to his cheek. “I’m glad you’re here now. That you’re safe. Even if I had to wait a little longer than expected, going through all that just to meet you was more than worth it.”
“Who’s exaggerating now?” She raised an eyebrow along with her voice, and he simply chuckled and shifted to kiss her hand. “I’m happy I got to meet you, too, though. I want to do everything I can to make all that suffering worth your while, since somehow you’re under the impression I have any real role as some kind of payback.”
“You already do plenty,” he replied in a kind of sing song, teasing her over the repetitive nature of their exchange…which happened to be a trend in and of itself. “And I’ll keep reminding you of that. So—”
Pushing him back a bit, she coaxed him to make enough room so she could sit sideways across his lap. Torso twisted towards him and legs dangling off the side of the chair, she cradled his face and rested her forehead against his. He draped his arms around her waist and closed his eyes, and she felt the fringe of his bangs tickle her nose. So close together now, there was nowhere else she wanted to be. Just here, with him, listening to and feeling the evidence of his life. At one point, the precious person holding her had ceased to exist, and for a moment her heart felt like it’d had a hole torn through it. She hadn’t known him at the time but realizing that there had been a time when she’d existed on this earth without him, no matter how inconsequential the moment may have seemed, made her heart ache with loss. The kind of loss she knew she’d feel now if he was suddenly ripped from her fingers, if she could no longer hear his voice or feel his touch or see his face, even just his form, the simplest signs of his existence.
“Even if you didn’t know it at the time, thank you for coming back for me,” she murmured, fingers gently dimpling his skin. “And thank you for still being here for me now.”
“I could say the same to you,” he repeated, leaning forward just enough to give her a proper kiss. “I mean, thank you for coming all this way, not even knowing what you were in for.”
“I’ll stay as long as I can keep making up for everything you’ve been through.”
He chuckled again, this time in response to her tenacity. “Only if you let me do the same.”
Summary: Fighting for the good of humanity is a tall order, and sometimes Nova still finds herself hopelessly perplexed as to how Ren has managed to carry on even after everything that’s happened.
*Author’s Note*: It’s been a while since I wrote anything for my precious boy, but I’m so glad I was able to! This is kind of an homage to and reward for me making it through the entire game on my own! I’ve watched all the way through it before, so I knew the plot and everything, but I never actually managed to play through the whole game myself despite owning it. That is, until a few weeks ago, and I was inspired to write this as a result!! And also because I’m always sipping that “love my bf” juice lmao. I hope you enjoy! Also not sure if it’s obvious but this fic mentions serious endgame spoilers, I know the game’s almost been out for 3 years but like. Just in case lol.
_____
She’d examined the objects proudly displayed on these attic shelves plenty of times. Various souvenirs and charms that he’d amassed over the years, tokens of experiences he preferred not to part with. She’d commented on and asked him about them plenty of times, too. Unfortunately, every time she laid eyes on them she couldn’t seem to stop the subconscious reaction that sparked in her mind. She couldn’t prevent the wheels of her thoughts from turning to the perilous journey he’d been on, revisiting the details of just how far he’d come from the edge of despair. Exploited at every turn, rewarded for his efforts by having his existence revoked from this world, facing a god born of the people’s will that wanted nothing more than for he and his friends to perish…sometimes she still struggled to wrap her head around it. She wondered if he still struggled to do the same.
“How could you go back to a normal life after all that?”
It was a fair question, if not a little jarring and out of the blue. A topic she was sure he must have tackled on his own at least once before. Maybe it was something they’d all discussed together, like some kind of support group. That would make sense, considering they were the only other people in the entire world that could relate to the kind of nightmare they’d been through. It would have been bizarre if he brushed it off, if any manner of self-reflection had failed to cross his mind. Was it wrong for her to probe him with these questions, though…was it painful for him to remember? It must have been, and she was stupid for thinking otherwise. The words had already left her mouth, though; she was helpless to do much more than wait for his response. Perhaps he didn’t even have one, his own train of thought derailed by the prospect of delving back into that bleakness, a misery that he’d grown accustomed to repressing in the secluded corners of his mind.
“Actually, forget I said anything.” The silence lingered on, and in lieu of his delay she figured maybe there really was still a way to salvage the conversation. “Sorry, it was insensitive of me to—”
“I don’t mind talking about it.” She couldn’t believe that—she wouldn’t. “It’s not like I can pretend none of it happened.”
“Of course you can,” she argued, sitting up from where she’d been lounging on the bed. She’d positioned herself so she could observe him as he tinkered with something at his work desk, yet another permanent fixture of this room made of memories. Afternoon light poured in through the windows, providing the space with more than enough illumination. The rays warmed the floorboards and the soft bed cushion, as well as Nova when she’d been soaking them in. They’d brushed against Ren’s back as she’d watched his shoulders twitch, his head tilt this way and that as he intently fiddled with whatever object happened to be occupying his attention.
“Dealing with it that way doesn’t sound like a good idea,” he pointed out in protest.
“It doesn’t matter how you deal with it, as long as you’re okay…” A careless suggestion, but to a certain extent she meant it. Nothing mattered more to her than his wellbeing, his happiness. All she wanted to do was see him laugh and smile with a carefree air, with the kind of lightheartedness he’d been robbed of so unfairly only a few years ago. In the present it seemed that he’d gotten most of it back, that he could wake up in the morning and inhale an unburdened breath the way she knew he always deserved to. It was unfair that there was ever a time he hadn’t.
“To be honest, I’m still not entirely sure how I managed it myself.” Well, he was going to ignore her…or at least bring the conversation back to her previous point. “You’ve been there with me a few times. Seen the episodes and nightmares I get every now and then. So, clearly I didn’t make out unscathed.”
“I already know that,” she uttered a tremulous whisper, fingers paralleling the unease in her voice as she suddenly reached down and touched his wrist. He glanced up, slightly startled, having not even heard her approach. She traced the light impression of a scar that’d sunk into his skin, an outline indicative of the callous treatment he’d been subjected to in custody. No—it was blatant abuse. She’d never know any specifics about the perpetrators, but she didn’t need to to know she’d never forgive them, whoever they were. “Sometimes I wonder why you even bothered coming back. Doing any of this again, I mean. When you know the risks.”
“So I can help people like you,” his response was lightning fast, like he’d been waiting for her to say something along those lines. “It’s not like just anyone’s cut out for this sort of thing. And I mean, it’s fun in its own way.”
“I know it’s more fun and games now, too,” she echoed, seemingly unable to do much more than parrot his sentiments. “I didn’t have to suffer through anything as terrible as you did, as you all did.”
“I think you’ve endured your own fair share of—”
“Well, it’s not a contest,” she interrupted. “More than that, I’ve never dealt with anything close to the same kind of physical trauma. That much is undeniable. And I know I’m lucky for it…but I just—”
“You’ve said before that you don’t know how you would have handled it, or if you even could have,” he took over, grasping her shaky hand with both of his. “And I told you that I’m glad you weren’t there, in that case. Because I was barely able to hold it together for myself and the others. If I’d had you to worry about, too, I don’t know if I would have had the same conviction to make the choices I did.”
“Choices that saved everyone.” The silence grew heavy again, tension thickening like molasses around them. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy.” She supposed she couldn’t refute him. “I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my entire life. And I try not to dwell on the things that happened. I’m sure some of it I’ll never be able to fully process, but that’s okay. Because it’s in the past, and right now I’m with you in the present. That makes things a lot better than you think.”
“I’m grateful for everything you did,” she continued softly. “I know everyone else is, too. And I’m grateful in the stead of all the people who don’t realize everything you sacrificed, everything you went through to protect the world.”
“I think you’re starting to exaggerate—”
“No. You know I’m not.” Her tone was firm and finite, eyes set with the inflexibility of dried concrete. “No one knows better than you how much I’m not. Even I can’t completely know, only going off of what you and the others have told me. But it was all of you versus an otherworldly being that was powerful enough to bend, shape, even destroy and reform reality. And even though the Metaverse still exists, I’ve never encountered anything close to that since I started doing this kind of stuff, either.”
“Hopefully you never will.” He smiled, pressing the back of her hand to his cheek. “I’m glad you’re here now. That you’re safe. Even if I had to wait a little longer than expected, going through all that just to meet you was more than worth it.”
“Who’s exaggerating now?” She raised an eyebrow along with her voice, and he simply chuckled and shifted to kiss her hand. “I’m happy I got to meet you, too, though. I want to do everything I can to make all that suffering worth your while, since somehow you’re under the impression I have any real role as some kind of payback.”
“You already do plenty,” he replied in a kind of sing song, teasing her over the repetitive nature of their exchange…which happened to be a trend in and of itself. “And I’ll keep reminding you of that. So—”
Pushing him back a bit, she coaxed him to make enough room so she could sit sideways across his lap. Torso twisted towards him and legs dangling off the side of the chair, she cradled his face and rested her forehead against his. He draped his arms around her waist and closed his eyes, and she felt the fringe of his bangs tickle her nose. So close together now, there was nowhere else she wanted to be. Just here, with him, listening to and feeling the evidence of his life. At one point, the precious person holding her had ceased to exist, and for a moment her heart felt like it’d had a hole torn through it. She hadn’t known him at the time but realizing that there had been a time when she’d existed on this earth without him, no matter how inconsequential the moment may have seemed, made her heart ache with loss. The kind of loss she knew she’d feel now if he was suddenly ripped from her fingers, if she could no longer hear his voice or feel his touch or see his face, even just his form, the simplest signs of his existence.
“Even if you didn’t know it at the time, thank you for coming back for me,” she murmured, fingers gently dimpling his skin. “And thank you for still being here for me now.”
“I could say the same to you,” he repeated, leaning forward just enough to give her a proper kiss. “I mean, thank you for coming all this way, not even knowing what you were in for.”
“I’ll stay as long as I can keep making up for everything you’ve been through.”
He chuckled again, this time in response to her tenacity. “Only if you let me do the same.”