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nyandereneko) wrote2020-06-17 08:00 am
nyandereneko) wrote2020-06-17 08:00 am
Entry tags:
Honesty
Word Count: 2,248
Summary: Nova and Dazai get caught up in a debate about honesty, but when it comes to actually letting their guards down it seems that their situation might be more complicated than it’s worth.
Author’s Note: Wow this fic is a doozy, I’m just gonna say that right now lol. Inspired by prompts from this post! I actually forgot that I wrote this until I went back through my drafts, and when I edited it I fell in love with it all over again. This is another piece I’m genuinely proud of, I guess Dazai pulls more eloquence out of me than I originally thought. Or my feelings for him do at least, lol. But that’s certainly not a bad thing, and if you took the time to stop and read this, I really appreciate it!
He was perpetually elusive, hard for her to catch, and even harder for her to understand. Like sand slipping through trembling fingers, she wanted to find something in him she could hold onto, but she knew how dangerous that desire was. Both literally and figuratively, in this case. A shaky alliance, an inadvisable partnership…but she was drawn to him. There was no denying that. And, whether she was aware of it or not, he was equally drawn to her.
Perhaps not in the same way, or even to the same degree, but between the two of them there was an undeniable, unshakeable connection. It would be better for both of them if they just forgot about it, or ignored it, or actively worked to untangle themselves from its selfish grasp. Instead, they passively fanned the flames of this affinity through their thoughts, words, and actions, reaffirming it as if it was the only logical thing to do. Nothing about their dynamic was logical, but nothing about their lives was all that logical, either. Doing things the unconventional way…that was just the hand they’d been dealt, the only valid method of survival left for individuals as unusual and isolated as them.
Maybe it was the sense of camaraderie, the innate and unquestionable feeling that some kind of link existed between them, encouraging them to maintain their ill-advised acquaintance. Although he’d had connections with plenty of other people throughout his life, their tethers were frayed and easily snapped, rarely ever legitimate or fulfilling. It was almost as if each one acted as a fragile placeholder that kept the ever expanding hole in his heart from caving in.
As for her, she wasn’t supposed to have a heart in the first place, wasn’t supposed to be susceptible to mundane distractions like the petty, self-interested desire to belong. She was already where she belonged. She’d been created for the simple purpose of existing by her creator’s side, serving as living proof that he wasn’t a failure or an outcast himself. Unfortunately, in the end her presence failed to legitimately contribute to such ends, but that knowledge didn’t concern her. All she needed to do was keep being useful, keep her creator company, keep existing as a trump card that could be reliably counted on during tense and perilous moments of doubt.
Sometimes Nova had to stop herself from reaching out to take Dazai’s hand, or even just his sleeve. She had to stop herself from wanting to be closer, from being drawn to him…but these efforts were only ever temporary. His influence was unwavering, and although she detested him a bit for that, she was somewhat grateful that despite the circumstances, he never abandoned her. Even knowing how risky and reckless it was to not keep his distance, he’d simply decided he didn’t want to, and so…he continued acting in accordance with such careless whims.
The real trouble dwelled in the fact that his whims weren’t actually that careless, and his actions weren’t actually that indifferent…if they were, there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place. He’d had plenty of experience with flights of fancy that were easy to slough off, easy to ignore, but that he was happy enough to indulge whenever the mood happened to strike. He was free to flit from one distraction to another as much as he liked, but this time it was different. This time he was hooked. Fascination, admiration, and the development of an inclination he couldn’t avoid, couldn’t prevent in any way, shape, or form…unfortunately, the consequences were out of his hands. Or perhaps said hands were a consequence in and of themselves.
“Are you feeling alright?” Nova’s voice was tender, concerned. It hurt him a little to know she was so willing to waste her kindness on him.
“Fine, perfectly fine…why do you ask?”
“Because that’s not what your face says.”
Dazai chuckled. “Oh, so you’re a mind reader now?”
“Hardly,” she replied, lips curling into a sardonic smile. “But it doesn’t seem like you’re very honest with others most of the time. I’d be kind of surprised if you said you’re always perfectly honest with yourself.”
“Do I need to be?” he inquired, genuinely interested in hearing what she had to say. “Does anyone owe it to themselves to be honest with…themselves?”
“Things would probably be easier if they were,” she mused, the tip of her tail twitching as she delved deeper into thought. “I mean, things would be easier in general if people were more honest, don’t you think?”
“I’m afraid I can’t agree with you there,” his tone was so lighthearted, but Nova could tell that something heavier was lurking just below the surface. “I think honesty can ruin plenty of things, and hurt people in plenty of ways.”
“Maybe it’s more important how you go about it…” Nova suggested, slightly surprised that he’d managed to hold her attention on the subject. “I mean, I think that’s the way a lot of things are. They’re pretty neutral on their own, and then you can choose to do good or bad with them. But I feel like that’s a pretty abstract idea, too. Ah, you’re making my head hurt with all this.”
“You’re the one who asked, and then started arguing your case,” Dazai pointed out. “I was just following your lead. We can drop it if you want.”
She paused. “I think you should try being honest with me.”
He couldn’t hold back a burst of laughter in response to her naive words. “Is that so? I don’t think you even know what you’re asking for.”
“Then tell me,” she pressed, stepping in front of him and blocking his path. “What’s so bad about me asking you to be honest with me?”
“I guess it depends on what kinds of things you want me to be honest about,” he shrugged, and she didn’t miss the mischievous glint in his eye. It was disguising something sinister, something unsettling, but perhaps that was the truth she was probing for.
She wanted to know more about that side of him, to peer into the shadows where he hid his true self away from the world. She’d witnessed the cruelty of the world plenty of times, and in some ways she saw her own existence as just another piece in the unjust game people play with one another. The game that people use other people to play, that requires them to scheme and hurt and manipulate if they want to end up on top.
Nova didn’t know much about Dazai’s life before the Agency, but after certain recent encounters it’d become clear that he’d definitely had something to do with the infamous and ruthless Port Mafia. What kind of terrible crimes had he committed, how much blood did he have on his hands? Part of her wanted to know just to see how it would affect her fondness, her perception of him. On the other hand, she had a sinking feeling that regardless of the crime, she’d still want to be by his side. She’d still be drawn to him. She’d still be stuck under the thumb of her own feelings, one that he was quite skilled at pushing down on without even really having to try.
“I guess we can start with something easy…” Yes, starting with something relatively painless was definitely the better way to go about this. “Are you happy at the Agency? Do you genuinely enjoy working there? With those people?”
“Does it seem like I don’t?” he asked, a note of sincere surprise in his tone. “Well, I’m sorry if I’ve ever given you the wrong impression.”
“No, it’s not because of anything like that,” Nova redirected. “And don’t turn this around on me. This is about me asking for your honest opinion, right? So tell me, how do you feel about working at the Agency?”
The still air almost seemed to solidify between them the longer the silence stretched on. Despite the tension, Nova was determined not to budge, and Dazai was deciding just how much was okay to tell. She wanted honesty, and he could do that without telling the whole truth. Yes, he figured that was probably for the best…for both of them. With an amused chuckle, a shifting of his feet, a tilt of his head, Nova observed the man before her closely as he finally conceded to her request.
“I love working there,” he stated plainly, casually. “Pursuing work there was probably one of the best decisions I ever made. Everyone who works there is good, just as a general rule, but they also know the stakes of the job. They take things seriously when they have to, and the rest of the time is pretty much a free for all. But it’s an enjoyable one, for me at least, and I’m perfectly content with my position there. It doesn’t take long for everyone to make you feel like you belong, which can certainly be quite a refreshing change for some…”
He was trailing off, and Nova could tell he wasn’t interested in extrapolating any further. He’d complied with her initial inquiry, and that was the best she could have hoped for. She examined his face with greater scrutiny, which was probably a mistake on her part, but the damage was already done. Her heart pounded, her cheeks flushed, her palms began to sweat…he really was so incredible, and she wished she didn’t feel that way. But she did, there was no denying it, and no turning back…she’d dug an impossibly deep hole for herself, and proceeded to throw herself in with reckless abandon. That was just the kind of effect he had on some people, she supposed. How unlucky that someone like her should be the one to fall victim to his charms.
“You know, you actually look more handsome to me with honesty on your face.”
The rapid transition of his expression from astonishment to confusion to embarrassment would have made her laugh if she wasn’t so preoccupied with the mortification she felt towards her impulsive words. She had enough restraint to avoid slapping her hands over her mouth, trying to cover for her slip up. There was a twinkle of amusement, of self-satisfaction in his dark eyes that only intensified her self-loathing. Of course, she had to be alone with him when she’d brought this questionable topic of conversation up. Of course she’d forced the issue until she’d backed herself into a corner, metaphorically speaking…yet in the same moment, he chose to make it literal.
“You really think so?” he teased, and it took all of her strength to avoid covering her eyes and curling up into a miserable ball of shame. “Well, it would certainly be rude of me to disappoint you after you’ve made such a stirring confession, wouldn’t it?”
“That’s…that’s not what I--”
He leaned in closer, and a real sense of fear started to set in. Was he upset, annoyed, even furious? What emotions was he holding back behind that impenetrable mask of his? Even if he wasn’t showing his entire hand, there still seemed to be at least a little honesty leaking through, and the evidence she saw was far from anger. She didn’t want to know, to accept what it really was. Because it was pointless, the way they felt about each other, if they truly did feel any particular way at all. It wasn’t like it would ever mean anything more than it already did. She’d resigned herself to that reality long ago.
“I suppose I’ll just have to be more straightforward about taking advantage of you, then.”
She gasped, and instantly regretted it. For the briefest moment the look in his eyes burned through her, set her heart ablaze. She couldn’t breathe, even if she wanted to, and perhaps right now she really didn’t. She didn’t think she could feel any warmer, be more strung out than the conversation had already made her, but he’d singlehandedly trampled all her expectations with a simple phrase. He was irritatingly good at doing that. He encroached even more, moving near enough that she swore this moment would surely be her last, there was no way it wouldn’t be. And yet, turning her expectations upside down yet again, he suddenly pulled back and lapsed into another bout of laughter.
“I’m sorry, really, I am,” he admitted between breaths, “I hope I didn’t scare you too badly. I just couldn’t help myself…you made it so easy. You really should be a bit more discerning about who you spend time with. Especially alone.”
Starting to recover from the embarrassing ordeal, she raised an eyebrow in defiance. “Are you saying you don’t want to spend time with me anymore? That’s alright, I understand. I guess I’ll just have to start avoiding you altogether, since you’re one of the most unpredictable, despicable people I know.”
“This coming from a Guild member…I think you might have actually wounded me with that one.”
“Oh, please,” she scoffed, catching herself before she nudged his arm out of impulse. “I don’t have to be a genius to know it would definitely take more than that to wound someone like you.”
With a humorless chuckle, Dazai muttered the next words under his breath, although he was almost certain she would hear him with her advanced senses. “Honestly, you’d probably be surprised by just how little it takes, coming from the right person.”
Summary: Nova and Dazai get caught up in a debate about honesty, but when it comes to actually letting their guards down it seems that their situation might be more complicated than it’s worth.
Author’s Note: Wow this fic is a doozy, I’m just gonna say that right now lol. Inspired by prompts from this post! I actually forgot that I wrote this until I went back through my drafts, and when I edited it I fell in love with it all over again. This is another piece I’m genuinely proud of, I guess Dazai pulls more eloquence out of me than I originally thought. Or my feelings for him do at least, lol. But that’s certainly not a bad thing, and if you took the time to stop and read this, I really appreciate it!
_____
He was perpetually elusive, hard for her to catch, and even harder for her to understand. Like sand slipping through trembling fingers, she wanted to find something in him she could hold onto, but she knew how dangerous that desire was. Both literally and figuratively, in this case. A shaky alliance, an inadvisable partnership…but she was drawn to him. There was no denying that. And, whether she was aware of it or not, he was equally drawn to her.
Perhaps not in the same way, or even to the same degree, but between the two of them there was an undeniable, unshakeable connection. It would be better for both of them if they just forgot about it, or ignored it, or actively worked to untangle themselves from its selfish grasp. Instead, they passively fanned the flames of this affinity through their thoughts, words, and actions, reaffirming it as if it was the only logical thing to do. Nothing about their dynamic was logical, but nothing about their lives was all that logical, either. Doing things the unconventional way…that was just the hand they’d been dealt, the only valid method of survival left for individuals as unusual and isolated as them.
Maybe it was the sense of camaraderie, the innate and unquestionable feeling that some kind of link existed between them, encouraging them to maintain their ill-advised acquaintance. Although he’d had connections with plenty of other people throughout his life, their tethers were frayed and easily snapped, rarely ever legitimate or fulfilling. It was almost as if each one acted as a fragile placeholder that kept the ever expanding hole in his heart from caving in.
As for her, she wasn’t supposed to have a heart in the first place, wasn’t supposed to be susceptible to mundane distractions like the petty, self-interested desire to belong. She was already where she belonged. She’d been created for the simple purpose of existing by her creator’s side, serving as living proof that he wasn’t a failure or an outcast himself. Unfortunately, in the end her presence failed to legitimately contribute to such ends, but that knowledge didn’t concern her. All she needed to do was keep being useful, keep her creator company, keep existing as a trump card that could be reliably counted on during tense and perilous moments of doubt.
Sometimes Nova had to stop herself from reaching out to take Dazai’s hand, or even just his sleeve. She had to stop herself from wanting to be closer, from being drawn to him…but these efforts were only ever temporary. His influence was unwavering, and although she detested him a bit for that, she was somewhat grateful that despite the circumstances, he never abandoned her. Even knowing how risky and reckless it was to not keep his distance, he’d simply decided he didn’t want to, and so…he continued acting in accordance with such careless whims.
The real trouble dwelled in the fact that his whims weren’t actually that careless, and his actions weren’t actually that indifferent…if they were, there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place. He’d had plenty of experience with flights of fancy that were easy to slough off, easy to ignore, but that he was happy enough to indulge whenever the mood happened to strike. He was free to flit from one distraction to another as much as he liked, but this time it was different. This time he was hooked. Fascination, admiration, and the development of an inclination he couldn’t avoid, couldn’t prevent in any way, shape, or form…unfortunately, the consequences were out of his hands. Or perhaps said hands were a consequence in and of themselves.
“Are you feeling alright?” Nova’s voice was tender, concerned. It hurt him a little to know she was so willing to waste her kindness on him.
“Fine, perfectly fine…why do you ask?”
“Because that’s not what your face says.”
Dazai chuckled. “Oh, so you’re a mind reader now?”
“Hardly,” she replied, lips curling into a sardonic smile. “But it doesn’t seem like you’re very honest with others most of the time. I’d be kind of surprised if you said you’re always perfectly honest with yourself.”
“Do I need to be?” he inquired, genuinely interested in hearing what she had to say. “Does anyone owe it to themselves to be honest with…themselves?”
“Things would probably be easier if they were,” she mused, the tip of her tail twitching as she delved deeper into thought. “I mean, things would be easier in general if people were more honest, don’t you think?”
“I’m afraid I can’t agree with you there,” his tone was so lighthearted, but Nova could tell that something heavier was lurking just below the surface. “I think honesty can ruin plenty of things, and hurt people in plenty of ways.”
“Maybe it’s more important how you go about it…” Nova suggested, slightly surprised that he’d managed to hold her attention on the subject. “I mean, I think that’s the way a lot of things are. They’re pretty neutral on their own, and then you can choose to do good or bad with them. But I feel like that’s a pretty abstract idea, too. Ah, you’re making my head hurt with all this.”
“You’re the one who asked, and then started arguing your case,” Dazai pointed out. “I was just following your lead. We can drop it if you want.”
She paused. “I think you should try being honest with me.”
He couldn’t hold back a burst of laughter in response to her naive words. “Is that so? I don’t think you even know what you’re asking for.”
“Then tell me,” she pressed, stepping in front of him and blocking his path. “What’s so bad about me asking you to be honest with me?”
“I guess it depends on what kinds of things you want me to be honest about,” he shrugged, and she didn’t miss the mischievous glint in his eye. It was disguising something sinister, something unsettling, but perhaps that was the truth she was probing for.
She wanted to know more about that side of him, to peer into the shadows where he hid his true self away from the world. She’d witnessed the cruelty of the world plenty of times, and in some ways she saw her own existence as just another piece in the unjust game people play with one another. The game that people use other people to play, that requires them to scheme and hurt and manipulate if they want to end up on top.
Nova didn’t know much about Dazai’s life before the Agency, but after certain recent encounters it’d become clear that he’d definitely had something to do with the infamous and ruthless Port Mafia. What kind of terrible crimes had he committed, how much blood did he have on his hands? Part of her wanted to know just to see how it would affect her fondness, her perception of him. On the other hand, she had a sinking feeling that regardless of the crime, she’d still want to be by his side. She’d still be drawn to him. She’d still be stuck under the thumb of her own feelings, one that he was quite skilled at pushing down on without even really having to try.
“I guess we can start with something easy…” Yes, starting with something relatively painless was definitely the better way to go about this. “Are you happy at the Agency? Do you genuinely enjoy working there? With those people?”
“Does it seem like I don’t?” he asked, a note of sincere surprise in his tone. “Well, I’m sorry if I’ve ever given you the wrong impression.”
“No, it’s not because of anything like that,” Nova redirected. “And don’t turn this around on me. This is about me asking for your honest opinion, right? So tell me, how do you feel about working at the Agency?”
The still air almost seemed to solidify between them the longer the silence stretched on. Despite the tension, Nova was determined not to budge, and Dazai was deciding just how much was okay to tell. She wanted honesty, and he could do that without telling the whole truth. Yes, he figured that was probably for the best…for both of them. With an amused chuckle, a shifting of his feet, a tilt of his head, Nova observed the man before her closely as he finally conceded to her request.
“I love working there,” he stated plainly, casually. “Pursuing work there was probably one of the best decisions I ever made. Everyone who works there is good, just as a general rule, but they also know the stakes of the job. They take things seriously when they have to, and the rest of the time is pretty much a free for all. But it’s an enjoyable one, for me at least, and I’m perfectly content with my position there. It doesn’t take long for everyone to make you feel like you belong, which can certainly be quite a refreshing change for some…”
He was trailing off, and Nova could tell he wasn’t interested in extrapolating any further. He’d complied with her initial inquiry, and that was the best she could have hoped for. She examined his face with greater scrutiny, which was probably a mistake on her part, but the damage was already done. Her heart pounded, her cheeks flushed, her palms began to sweat…he really was so incredible, and she wished she didn’t feel that way. But she did, there was no denying it, and no turning back…she’d dug an impossibly deep hole for herself, and proceeded to throw herself in with reckless abandon. That was just the kind of effect he had on some people, she supposed. How unlucky that someone like her should be the one to fall victim to his charms.
“You know, you actually look more handsome to me with honesty on your face.”
The rapid transition of his expression from astonishment to confusion to embarrassment would have made her laugh if she wasn’t so preoccupied with the mortification she felt towards her impulsive words. She had enough restraint to avoid slapping her hands over her mouth, trying to cover for her slip up. There was a twinkle of amusement, of self-satisfaction in his dark eyes that only intensified her self-loathing. Of course, she had to be alone with him when she’d brought this questionable topic of conversation up. Of course she’d forced the issue until she’d backed herself into a corner, metaphorically speaking…yet in the same moment, he chose to make it literal.
“You really think so?” he teased, and it took all of her strength to avoid covering her eyes and curling up into a miserable ball of shame. “Well, it would certainly be rude of me to disappoint you after you’ve made such a stirring confession, wouldn’t it?”
“That’s…that’s not what I--”
He leaned in closer, and a real sense of fear started to set in. Was he upset, annoyed, even furious? What emotions was he holding back behind that impenetrable mask of his? Even if he wasn’t showing his entire hand, there still seemed to be at least a little honesty leaking through, and the evidence she saw was far from anger. She didn’t want to know, to accept what it really was. Because it was pointless, the way they felt about each other, if they truly did feel any particular way at all. It wasn’t like it would ever mean anything more than it already did. She’d resigned herself to that reality long ago.
“I suppose I’ll just have to be more straightforward about taking advantage of you, then.”
She gasped, and instantly regretted it. For the briefest moment the look in his eyes burned through her, set her heart ablaze. She couldn’t breathe, even if she wanted to, and perhaps right now she really didn’t. She didn’t think she could feel any warmer, be more strung out than the conversation had already made her, but he’d singlehandedly trampled all her expectations with a simple phrase. He was irritatingly good at doing that. He encroached even more, moving near enough that she swore this moment would surely be her last, there was no way it wouldn’t be. And yet, turning her expectations upside down yet again, he suddenly pulled back and lapsed into another bout of laughter.
“I’m sorry, really, I am,” he admitted between breaths, “I hope I didn’t scare you too badly. I just couldn’t help myself…you made it so easy. You really should be a bit more discerning about who you spend time with. Especially alone.”
Starting to recover from the embarrassing ordeal, she raised an eyebrow in defiance. “Are you saying you don’t want to spend time with me anymore? That’s alright, I understand. I guess I’ll just have to start avoiding you altogether, since you’re one of the most unpredictable, despicable people I know.”
“This coming from a Guild member…I think you might have actually wounded me with that one.”
“Oh, please,” she scoffed, catching herself before she nudged his arm out of impulse. “I don’t have to be a genius to know it would definitely take more than that to wound someone like you.”
With a humorless chuckle, Dazai muttered the next words under his breath, although he was almost certain she would hear him with her advanced senses. “Honestly, you’d probably be surprised by just how little it takes, coming from the right person.”
no subject
I really like the prose in this piece too. It has a lot of feeling
“I think you should try being honest with me.” oooo so upfront
“You know, you actually look more handsome to me with honesty on your face.” OOOO SO UPFRONT. Also I loved how you described dazai's quick changing of emotion/demeanor right after this ("The rapid transition of his expression from astonishment to confusion to embarrassment ... There was a twinkle of amusement, of self-satisfaction in his dark eyes that only intensified her self-loathing...")
and the banter at the end was so good too ;;