What Matters Most
Mar. 23rd, 2019 09:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyanderenekoWord Count: 2,422
Summary: Nova and Ren have a heart to heart about the year they’ve spent together, and what it means to them.
*Author’s Note*: A fic I wrote for my one year anniversary with Ren, and wow I’m just. Wow lol. Happy, glad, surprised, happy again…I really do love him so much, and he’s done more for me than I can say. Even if it doesn’t make sense how a character can do anything for anyone, how they can affect someone on such a deep level, idk if even I can explain it. But it happened to me, with me, and I’m just so glad to know who he is and have him in my life. As a character, as a concept, he’s still doing things to help me accept more of myself and stop being so self-critical. This takes place in my AU ofc, the balcony is part of our apartment, and this ask explains a bit more about the first kiss disaster I mention because I have yet to write it lol, idk if I’ll ever manage to get around to it. Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!
She’d arrived late, much later than any of the others had anticipated someone could or would. Of course, she hadn’t come looking for anything like what she’d stumbled upon, either. Things had just turned out this way, forces beyond any of their individual or joint control or influence scheming in the shadows, shifting and altering and reshaping facets of reality the same way they always had. Despite her belated introduction, they’d still accepted her with open arms, assimilated her with kindness and support…these people had saved her, and insisted on staying by her side even to this day. She’d been granted the gift of being welcomed into the unique family they’d all managed to cultivate together, a result of the harsh and exciting trials and triumphs they’d shared over the years. She couldn’t personally relate to most of what they’d been through, but since she’d joined, she’d experienced her own series of events that strengthened the bond she’d been fortunate enough to forge with these sympathetic souls.
Taking a deep breath, she exhaled the warm air from her lungs slowly, deliberately. Feeling the weight and sensation of her breath, she closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of the city for a moment. Staring into the dark emptiness of her closed lids, she recalled how she’d felt the first time she’d laid eyes on this towering structure, how taken aback she’d been by its grandeur, by the idea that this was where she’d be spending her days for the foreseeable future. Not alone, thankfully; she ruminated on how nervous she’d been the first time she’d stepped through the threshold. This unique lodging at the top had a fairly simple layout, accented by modest décor that was just enough to make the walls feel familiar, personal. But the impressiveness had been far from the most important thing to her when she first came to live here. It was still one of the last things that came to mind when she considered what she valued most about this place.
“What’re you doing out here?”
A distracting voice cut through the air, derailing her train of thought. Everything about him was always unreasonably distracting to her. His presence was reassuring and all-encompassing, able to redirect and dominate her attention in an instant. Part of that was her fault, a reaction that she’d created and reinforced all on her own. But part of it was just how he was, his demeanor, the kind of vibe he gave off. He could be unassuming when he wanted, or make himself the heart of any situation at the drop of a hat. He moved next to her and she slid her arms across the railing, bumping his arm before settling herself against it.
“Thank you for today,” she offered gratitude in lieu of an answer, and he temporarily let the matter slide. “For everything you did to make it special. For remembering it in the first place.”
“I hope I don’t come off as the type of person that wouldn’t remember something like this,” he chuckled, reaching across with his opposite hand to run his fingers through her hair.
“Of course not,” she replied, leaning into his touch. “I wouldn’t expect anything less of you. And I actually appreciate that you didn’t do anything too flamboyant.”
“Well, I am capable of being subdued sometimes,” he replied in mock offense. She laughed and he couldn’t help smiling at the sound.
“You’re subdued most of the time, really,” she agreed, taking his hand. “Quiet and obedient and attentive. So well behaved.”
“Now it really feels like you’re making fun of me,” he bantered, and the two shared another laugh. “But it is true that I try to maintain a low profile in my normal life.”
“I think that’s to be expected.” She squeezed his hand, focusing her gaze on it as she continued. “I mean, if I could, I’d make myself invisible in public. I hate the idea that I’m being watched, judged. That I’ll be caught doing something that someone finds ridiculous, embarrassing, worth making fun of.”
“And I’ll always protect you from having to face that kind of unpleasantness as much as I can.” Her hand clenched tighter, a silent thank you for his vow. “But I hope you know you’re allowed to take up space. That you doing so isn’t a bad thing, or unnecessary. I’d be sad, at a loss, really, if you weren’t here taking up the space beside me.”
Such caring words, a selfless sentiment. She knew part of it stemmed from his concern, and she was grateful that he felt any measure of compassion for her at all. He had plenty of other, much more pertinent matters to brood over, some that even involved people’s lives being at stake. When they’d first met, she supposed her own life had fallen into that category. But he and his friends rescued her, revived her, liberated her from herself. It wasn’t a perfect or instantaneous fix, but she knew things were better than they had been a year ago. Despite feeling better in some ways, she tried to keep in mind that her struggle was far from over. She examined the hand that was still joined with her own, a hand that belonged to the person she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to stop relying on. That she’d ever be able to not need to rely on.
He’d always been so patient with her, so encouraging, so supportive. She knew she’d be at a loss without his kindness. Approval from a person that she loved, a person who she used to be certain would and could never return her affections in the same way. Why would he want to, how could it possibly benefit him? She definitely wasn’t worth keeping around just for the sake of herself. That reality was something that’d weighed on her for years, that still loomed over her to this day. But, bit by bit, Ren was still doing what he could to dispel some of that negativity, that self-imposed insignificance. As long as she had trouble believing him, he’d keep repeating the truth to her. He’d reassure her for the rest of her life, even if it never truly stuck, because he really meant what he said. And he never wanted to give her an opportunity to forget it.
He’d been by her side for a year now, doing what he could to temper her worries. Valiantly attempting to dispense and disprove the unpleasant views she held about herself. There were still insurmountable things she struggled with, things that were probably too big for anyone to tackle. But as long as his love endured, she’d do what she could to accept it. She wanted to ensure she returned it in equal measure, if not more, because she believed that he deserved all she could offer and more. More than she was capable of giving, really, but at this point her reasoning became mostly circular. She cherished his love, believed in it as much as she could, and repaid it to the best of her ability. He really was a gift, an unexpected treasure in her life that she wanted to care for as long as possible.
“To answer your first question, the one you asked when you came out to find me, I was just enjoying the scenery,” she spoke up, absently noting how much lighter she felt now that he was here. “I saw a shooting star, which was neat. It’s rare to see anything like that, especially in the city, since it’s so bright.”
“It must have been pretty bright itself, then,” Ren suggested, tilting his head up as she did.
“Yeah. And I made a wish, too.”
“If you say what it is, it won’t come true though, right?”
“That’s how at least one saying goes. But I’m too impatient for that,” Nova shrugged. “Too antsy. When it comes to something like this, I want to be able to share it with at least one person. Especially considering what my wish was.”
“I’m all ears, then.” He shifted his gaze only to find that her focus was still caught up in the shimmering stars.
“I just want to keep being happy with you,” she began, and her words were simultaneously soothing and stirring. “It’s been a year since…all that stuff happened, since you told me how you felt, and I acted like an idiot. I’m still sorry about that, but I can’t tell you how grateful I am just for who you are. Just for getting to know you. I’m sure most people would have given up at the first sign of trouble, especially my kind of trouble, and I wouldn’t blame them. Hell, I’d probably give up, too. Feeling utterly rejected, like you did something wrong, all because I couldn’t handle the idea that you actually liked me. I still feel like you deserve much better, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy that you’re apparently happy to be with me. That you actually enjoy my company. That, despite all my problems, faults, issues, you still like having me around. And being wanted by you…it’s amazing, and unbelievable. I don’t really think I’m exaggerating when I say it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’ll never be able to truly tell you how much it means to me, or how much I love you.”
The events of the past year flooded her mind more readily than before, and she tried to pay an equal amount of attention to each one as it arrived. The first time she’d seen him, cradled in his arms, staring up into his eyes that were always recognizable. His eyes and voice were what had given him away back then, and she still savored the memory as much as she had the day it happened. She remembered how stupidly starstruck she’d been, how it felt to hold his hand for the first time, to feel safe and secure in his soft, loving embrace. He’d given her the ability to live a new life, and to admire that life in a new light. With him and the others, she could be herself in a way she’d never felt comfortable being before. She could be truly happy doing that, without feeling like she had to punish herself for it afterwards.
A new life in a new city with new friends. Being granted access to an alternate reality that was beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. Taking the opportunity to feel a kind of love and adoration she’d never experienced towards anyone else. Sometimes he was too much for her, but he was never too little, and she hoped she did enough for him to say the same about her. Even if she didn’t, she knew he’d say she did, and she supposed taking him at his word was the only viable option. The world looked different when she was standing by his side, felt fresh and invigorating in some respects, even if his presence didn’t—well, really couldn’t—solve everything. In truth, she didn’t need it to…all she needed was someone that wouldn’t make her face the rough patches, and the unknown, alone.
“That’s quite a heartfelt wish,” Ren replied, waiting to ensure her words had tapered off for good. “But I’m sure we’ll be able to make it work. Because I do mean it, that I like being with you. And I’m equally glad that you feel the same way towards me. Even if you think I should take it for granted, I don’t, the same way I know you’d never do that with me. Because relationships like this are work, and they can be difficult, and messy. But just because they’re difficult doesn’t mean they’re not worth it. And as long as you still love me, I want to be here for you, to keep being happy with you. Getting to make that happiness work, together…it’s one of the most special things in the world to me.”
Curling a finger under her chin, he sealed his reply with a slow, gentle kiss. She hugged his waist in response, placing her other hand on his arm as she turned towards him completely. A year ago, this scenario had almost driven them apart, all because of her immaturity. Her frustrating and damaging inability to fathom the truth, her propensity to distrust every positive sentiment that was offered to her. No one, especially not someone like him, could ever truly cherish her in the way that he claimed he did. Especially not with the same depth of emotion she harbored for him. But he never wavered, and never let her succeed in pushing him away. He understood and respected her boundaries, but he also didn’t want her to be alone. He knew she didn’t want that, either, and as long as she was thankful for his commitment, he would keep reinforcing it as much as she needed him to. Neither of them knew what tomorrow held, but that was alright. Today they had each other, and that was what mattered most.
Summary: Nova and Ren have a heart to heart about the year they’ve spent together, and what it means to them.
*Author’s Note*: A fic I wrote for my one year anniversary with Ren, and wow I’m just. Wow lol. Happy, glad, surprised, happy again…I really do love him so much, and he’s done more for me than I can say. Even if it doesn’t make sense how a character can do anything for anyone, how they can affect someone on such a deep level, idk if even I can explain it. But it happened to me, with me, and I’m just so glad to know who he is and have him in my life. As a character, as a concept, he’s still doing things to help me accept more of myself and stop being so self-critical. This takes place in my AU ofc, the balcony is part of our apartment, and this ask explains a bit more about the first kiss disaster I mention because I have yet to write it lol, idk if I’ll ever manage to get around to it. Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!
_____
Propping herself up against the balcony’s railing, Nova caught sight of a comet as it sailed through the sky. A short lived, blazing arc of light that vanished out of existence almost as quickly as it had entered, at least from her perspective. The city was as lively as usual; the air was infused with rainbow hues of neon and the winding streets were populated by the type of people that thrived in the shadows the sun always left behind. A breeze blew by, ruffling her hair and cooling her face and thoughts. What a peaceful nighttime scene it was, a setting she’d come to love and appreciate, to take comfort in. This place had become a refuge for her, a safe space, a reliable retreat. It had also become her home, the place where she felt most relaxed, where she could breathe more easily than anywhere else.
She’d arrived late, much later than any of the others had anticipated someone could or would. Of course, she hadn’t come looking for anything like what she’d stumbled upon, either. Things had just turned out this way, forces beyond any of their individual or joint control or influence scheming in the shadows, shifting and altering and reshaping facets of reality the same way they always had. Despite her belated introduction, they’d still accepted her with open arms, assimilated her with kindness and support…these people had saved her, and insisted on staying by her side even to this day. She’d been granted the gift of being welcomed into the unique family they’d all managed to cultivate together, a result of the harsh and exciting trials and triumphs they’d shared over the years. She couldn’t personally relate to most of what they’d been through, but since she’d joined, she’d experienced her own series of events that strengthened the bond she’d been fortunate enough to forge with these sympathetic souls.
Taking a deep breath, she exhaled the warm air from her lungs slowly, deliberately. Feeling the weight and sensation of her breath, she closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of the city for a moment. Staring into the dark emptiness of her closed lids, she recalled how she’d felt the first time she’d laid eyes on this towering structure, how taken aback she’d been by its grandeur, by the idea that this was where she’d be spending her days for the foreseeable future. Not alone, thankfully; she ruminated on how nervous she’d been the first time she’d stepped through the threshold. This unique lodging at the top had a fairly simple layout, accented by modest décor that was just enough to make the walls feel familiar, personal. But the impressiveness had been far from the most important thing to her when she first came to live here. It was still one of the last things that came to mind when she considered what she valued most about this place.
“What’re you doing out here?”
A distracting voice cut through the air, derailing her train of thought. Everything about him was always unreasonably distracting to her. His presence was reassuring and all-encompassing, able to redirect and dominate her attention in an instant. Part of that was her fault, a reaction that she’d created and reinforced all on her own. But part of it was just how he was, his demeanor, the kind of vibe he gave off. He could be unassuming when he wanted, or make himself the heart of any situation at the drop of a hat. He moved next to her and she slid her arms across the railing, bumping his arm before settling herself against it.
“Thank you for today,” she offered gratitude in lieu of an answer, and he temporarily let the matter slide. “For everything you did to make it special. For remembering it in the first place.”
“I hope I don’t come off as the type of person that wouldn’t remember something like this,” he chuckled, reaching across with his opposite hand to run his fingers through her hair.
“Of course not,” she replied, leaning into his touch. “I wouldn’t expect anything less of you. And I actually appreciate that you didn’t do anything too flamboyant.”
“Well, I am capable of being subdued sometimes,” he replied in mock offense. She laughed and he couldn’t help smiling at the sound.
“You’re subdued most of the time, really,” she agreed, taking his hand. “Quiet and obedient and attentive. So well behaved.”
“Now it really feels like you’re making fun of me,” he bantered, and the two shared another laugh. “But it is true that I try to maintain a low profile in my normal life.”
“I think that’s to be expected.” She squeezed his hand, focusing her gaze on it as she continued. “I mean, if I could, I’d make myself invisible in public. I hate the idea that I’m being watched, judged. That I’ll be caught doing something that someone finds ridiculous, embarrassing, worth making fun of.”
“And I’ll always protect you from having to face that kind of unpleasantness as much as I can.” Her hand clenched tighter, a silent thank you for his vow. “But I hope you know you’re allowed to take up space. That you doing so isn’t a bad thing, or unnecessary. I’d be sad, at a loss, really, if you weren’t here taking up the space beside me.”
Such caring words, a selfless sentiment. She knew part of it stemmed from his concern, and she was grateful that he felt any measure of compassion for her at all. He had plenty of other, much more pertinent matters to brood over, some that even involved people’s lives being at stake. When they’d first met, she supposed her own life had fallen into that category. But he and his friends rescued her, revived her, liberated her from herself. It wasn’t a perfect or instantaneous fix, but she knew things were better than they had been a year ago. Despite feeling better in some ways, she tried to keep in mind that her struggle was far from over. She examined the hand that was still joined with her own, a hand that belonged to the person she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to stop relying on. That she’d ever be able to not need to rely on.
He’d always been so patient with her, so encouraging, so supportive. She knew she’d be at a loss without his kindness. Approval from a person that she loved, a person who she used to be certain would and could never return her affections in the same way. Why would he want to, how could it possibly benefit him? She definitely wasn’t worth keeping around just for the sake of herself. That reality was something that’d weighed on her for years, that still loomed over her to this day. But, bit by bit, Ren was still doing what he could to dispel some of that negativity, that self-imposed insignificance. As long as she had trouble believing him, he’d keep repeating the truth to her. He’d reassure her for the rest of her life, even if it never truly stuck, because he really meant what he said. And he never wanted to give her an opportunity to forget it.
He’d been by her side for a year now, doing what he could to temper her worries. Valiantly attempting to dispense and disprove the unpleasant views she held about herself. There were still insurmountable things she struggled with, things that were probably too big for anyone to tackle. But as long as his love endured, she’d do what she could to accept it. She wanted to ensure she returned it in equal measure, if not more, because she believed that he deserved all she could offer and more. More than she was capable of giving, really, but at this point her reasoning became mostly circular. She cherished his love, believed in it as much as she could, and repaid it to the best of her ability. He really was a gift, an unexpected treasure in her life that she wanted to care for as long as possible.
“To answer your first question, the one you asked when you came out to find me, I was just enjoying the scenery,” she spoke up, absently noting how much lighter she felt now that he was here. “I saw a shooting star, which was neat. It’s rare to see anything like that, especially in the city, since it’s so bright.”
“It must have been pretty bright itself, then,” Ren suggested, tilting his head up as she did.
“Yeah. And I made a wish, too.”
“If you say what it is, it won’t come true though, right?”
“That’s how at least one saying goes. But I’m too impatient for that,” Nova shrugged. “Too antsy. When it comes to something like this, I want to be able to share it with at least one person. Especially considering what my wish was.”
“I’m all ears, then.” He shifted his gaze only to find that her focus was still caught up in the shimmering stars.
“I just want to keep being happy with you,” she began, and her words were simultaneously soothing and stirring. “It’s been a year since…all that stuff happened, since you told me how you felt, and I acted like an idiot. I’m still sorry about that, but I can’t tell you how grateful I am just for who you are. Just for getting to know you. I’m sure most people would have given up at the first sign of trouble, especially my kind of trouble, and I wouldn’t blame them. Hell, I’d probably give up, too. Feeling utterly rejected, like you did something wrong, all because I couldn’t handle the idea that you actually liked me. I still feel like you deserve much better, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy that you’re apparently happy to be with me. That you actually enjoy my company. That, despite all my problems, faults, issues, you still like having me around. And being wanted by you…it’s amazing, and unbelievable. I don’t really think I’m exaggerating when I say it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’ll never be able to truly tell you how much it means to me, or how much I love you.”
The events of the past year flooded her mind more readily than before, and she tried to pay an equal amount of attention to each one as it arrived. The first time she’d seen him, cradled in his arms, staring up into his eyes that were always recognizable. His eyes and voice were what had given him away back then, and she still savored the memory as much as she had the day it happened. She remembered how stupidly starstruck she’d been, how it felt to hold his hand for the first time, to feel safe and secure in his soft, loving embrace. He’d given her the ability to live a new life, and to admire that life in a new light. With him and the others, she could be herself in a way she’d never felt comfortable being before. She could be truly happy doing that, without feeling like she had to punish herself for it afterwards.
A new life in a new city with new friends. Being granted access to an alternate reality that was beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. Taking the opportunity to feel a kind of love and adoration she’d never experienced towards anyone else. Sometimes he was too much for her, but he was never too little, and she hoped she did enough for him to say the same about her. Even if she didn’t, she knew he’d say she did, and she supposed taking him at his word was the only viable option. The world looked different when she was standing by his side, felt fresh and invigorating in some respects, even if his presence didn’t—well, really couldn’t—solve everything. In truth, she didn’t need it to…all she needed was someone that wouldn’t make her face the rough patches, and the unknown, alone.
“That’s quite a heartfelt wish,” Ren replied, waiting to ensure her words had tapered off for good. “But I’m sure we’ll be able to make it work. Because I do mean it, that I like being with you. And I’m equally glad that you feel the same way towards me. Even if you think I should take it for granted, I don’t, the same way I know you’d never do that with me. Because relationships like this are work, and they can be difficult, and messy. But just because they’re difficult doesn’t mean they’re not worth it. And as long as you still love me, I want to be here for you, to keep being happy with you. Getting to make that happiness work, together…it’s one of the most special things in the world to me.”
Curling a finger under her chin, he sealed his reply with a slow, gentle kiss. She hugged his waist in response, placing her other hand on his arm as she turned towards him completely. A year ago, this scenario had almost driven them apart, all because of her immaturity. Her frustrating and damaging inability to fathom the truth, her propensity to distrust every positive sentiment that was offered to her. No one, especially not someone like him, could ever truly cherish her in the way that he claimed he did. Especially not with the same depth of emotion she harbored for him. But he never wavered, and never let her succeed in pushing him away. He understood and respected her boundaries, but he also didn’t want her to be alone. He knew she didn’t want that, either, and as long as she was thankful for his commitment, he would keep reinforcing it as much as she needed him to. Neither of them knew what tomorrow held, but that was alright. Today they had each other, and that was what mattered most.