Heart Like Ice (Pt. 2)
Oct. 2nd, 2019 08:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyanderenekoWord Count: 2,978
Summary: In the aftermath of their impromptu reunion, Nova and Saruhiko make an attempt to figure out what’s changed between them, how they both ended up in this situation, and what’s worth preserving of their previous and mildly short lived companionship (if anything).
*Author’s Note*: Part 2 of my pre-S4 verse introduction, the first of which you can read here.
A startled yelp jumped from her throat as she rounded a corner and was abruptly ambushed. A hand clamped firmly and deftly over her mouth to stifle it, and her first instinct was to struggle and lash out against her captor. Twisting and flailing to get a better angle on the hand so she could sink her teeth into it, she dug her claw-like nails into the arm that seized her torso. The culprit hissed sharply but refused to ease their hold, lifting her from the ground despite her thrashing. They drew her into a secluded alcove before finally deeming it safe to release her. They thrust her out of their grip with a curse, and as she spun around to face her opponent, innate reflexes ready to strike, a nauseating wave of regret filled her stomach.
“You really never change, do you?” the voice she now felt mildly conflicted to recognize inquired venomously. “Clawing the hell out of me, trying to bite me…I can’t believe you made it five seconds in this place, much less managed to be accepted.”
“It’s not like I asked for it!” she blurted in contempt, his attitude already succeeding in stoking the fire his jarring presence had managed to spark. “And what about you? What the hell are you doing here, what could have possibly happened to make you--”
“It’s none of your business,” he snapped, still taking inventory of the damage she’d done.
“None of my business? When you’re the one pretending like we’ve never met…I deserve to at least understand why. To understand anything. So what, am I supposed to just carry on with this charade until you decide it’s okay to stop?”
“Yes,” he growled, patience rapidly dwindling. “And you don’t need to understand why--”
“Then I don’t need to follow your arbitrary orders, either--”
“I’ve been just as confused and clueless about you! Where you’ve been, what happened to you!” he huffed, starting to lose the fragile grip on his composure. “For all I knew…”
Nova rubbed her forehead, ears folded back in dismay and fatigue. “I got caught,” she reluctantly explained. “It was while I was out on my own one night. I don’t even remember what I was doing, probably just stopping by the store or something. I wasn’t paying enough attention, and I guess some guys had been staking me out for a while.”
She glanced at her former companion, searching for any hint of alarm in his eyes at the news that he may have been subsequently monitored as well…but his expression remained guarded and aloof. “Anyway, they got me. Brought me back here, put me in a cell. I’m still not sure how long I was in there, but they didn’t do much to me while I was. I was starting to think they were just planning to forget about me, let me rot away in there…but then the Captain--the Blue King--started coming to talk to me. He asked me a bunch of seemingly meaningless things at first, and I failed to realize he was actually testing me the whole time. Every question had a purpose, but I was too dazed and depressed to give his visits any worthwhile consideration. Eventually he showed up with a choice, and a promise that if I pledged my allegiance to him, I wouldn’t have to worry about where I’d end up or what I’d be doing with my life ever again.”
“Promising the answers to you future…” Fushimi murmured, and Nova could sense his words were more self-directed than anything. “So you’ve been in jail for the past couple of months? I guess that would make it difficult to get in touch.”
“Oh, you’re just realizing that now?” she scoffed, finally noticing the marks she’d scored into his skin.
She took a step towards him and he flinched, a reflex she involuntarily mimicked. Had she really upset him that much? Well, to be fair, she had tried to flay him alive and almost ruined the thinly veiled cover he was seemingly so desperate to keep in place. Nothing but a nuisance to him from start to finish; that’s all she really was. From the moment he’d offered to take her in, to provide her with a safe haven where she didn’t have to worry about being kidnapped or abused or abandoned ever again, she’d caused him nothing but trouble. He’d been insistent on hiding her from his roommate, which proved more difficult than he’d initially anticipated. Maybe he truly wasn’t thinking when he’d made that deal with her. But that was all in the past, and now their paths had inexplicably intersected again, for reasons neither of them could possibly begin to fathom.
“I’m really sorry about that,” she whispered, approaching him regardless of his guarded reaction.
She trailed her fingers across his arm, noting the small areas he’d left vulnerable with his sleeves rolled up. Despite the addition of his wrist guards, the accessories were too thin and cosmetic to offer any real protection or support. Upon closer inspection, something jogged her memory about the network of knives he typically kept tucked away under his clothes. Why hadn’t he pulled one of those on her when she’d attacked him, knowing he could have easily deterred her? Even in his anger, he still found it in himself to avoid hurting her…remorse oozed through her veins, soaked her bones with a guilty ache. She wanted to be close to him, she needed to find common ground for them to share again. She didn’t want the one connection that had ever really meant anything to her to be lost forever just because of some unusual, extenuating circumstances.
“It’s nothing. Just forget about it,” he huffed, finally jerking his arm from her grasp. “And don’t let it happen again.”
“I won’t,” she vowed sheepishly, respectfully moving to give him some space. “Even if it’s hard to believe, I really am happy to see you again.”
He gave a noncommittal grunt in reply, and she knew she was still on thin ice with him. Even in the quiet that settled over them, in the privacy of this little corner they shared, the tension between them was still palpable. He seemed to be contributing most of it, and it wasn’t hard to see why. But there was also something more, something lurking just beneath the surface of his reserved exterior that told Nova something else had happened, something bigger. He had yet to mention anything about how he’d ended up here, and he seemed tight lipped enough to not plan on divulging such information any time soon. She’d told him what had happened to her, though, so didn’t that mean she had some right to know about him? Even if she didn’t, and perhaps against her better judgment, she still definitely wanted to.
“It’s interesting that we both just happened to end up here,” she continued, discreetly prodding him for some kind of response. “I’m sorry I let something so stupid happen to me. Even more sorry I couldn’t get any word to you about it. But I’ll be honest, I’ve been pretty impressed with this place so far. It’s been everything the Blue King promised, even if I haven’t been here that long…it seems like you’ve started adjusting fairly well, too. How long have you even been here? And again, I know you don’t seem to want to discuss it, but--”
“If you know I don’t want to talk about it, why are you asking?” he growled, expression instantly losing the soft edge it’d unintentionally adopted towards her. “I already told you, it’s none of your business. And I mean it. Just because we both ended up here doesn’t mean we can start acting like nothing’s changed, that we should start acting any differently than if we were strangers.”
“That’s not very fair,” Nova contended, fingers digging into her sleeves as she crossed her arms. “Why are you being so defensive about this? I mean, I won’t tell anyone about how things were, or anything I happen to know about you before you came here, if that’s what you’re worried about. But--”
Suddenly, something forbidden caught her eye. Something she knew she should have pretended not to notice, something that would have been better to scrub from her thoughts before she even had a chance to comment on it. But she wasn’t thinking clearly, the shock was too strong and too unexpected, and in a flash a thousand questions swarmed her mind. Who had done this to him, and why, and how? It must have had something to do with why he’d left that place, how he’d ended up here, and why he was being so cryptic about everything. Between her confusion and concern, there wasn’t enough room left for any sense, and the can of worms she dared to open next was an unfortunate consequence of the annoying, overbearing care and concern she still felt for him.
“What…what happened to your…?” She found it hard to articulate through the heavy lumps of fear and worry clogging her throat. “Your tattoo…who did that to you?”
His eyes clouded with pain and fury as he glanced down to confirm exactly what she was referring to, stiffening up as if she’d stabbed him and twisted the knife just for good measure. Yanking his shirt collar back over the slightly exposed area to obscure the evidence, he turned his distressed gaze back to her. He clenched his hands so tightly, covered it up so forcefully, like it was a secret he was both ashamed and enraged to acknowledge to any degree. She’d stepped on a landmine without realizing it, but now she couldn’t get the cursed image out of her head. Someone had hurt him, that much was obvious, and the wound was still fresh…especially the emotional one. Or perhaps that was the only one that truly persisted, the type of wound that wouldn’t scab over, that couldn’t be hidden or forgotten.
He charged at her, using the full extent of his height to emphasize just how easily he could overpower her. She tried to back away and he matched her step for step, advancing until her back was to the wall. No amount of clawing or hissing or any manner of self defense she managed to conjure up would be enough to deter her from his wrath if he decided to unleash it now. But even in the face of his intimidation, his resentment, his display of dominance that was meant to prevent her from mentioning this ever again…she couldn’t stop wondering what had happened.
How had it happened? Why? What could she possibly have done if she’d just been there, if she’d known anything about it? While she was busy wasting her time away in that barren cell, he’d been dealing with something so much more formidable, something that’d changed the entire course of his life and scarred him--quite literally--to an extent that she had never known, and had always secretly feared encountering herself.
“Do not mention that, or bring it up in any capacity, ever again,” he seethed, and despite his best efforts she still recognized the thrum of despair in his tone. Her vision started to blur with tears, although more as a reaction to her own emotions rather than any threat he was attempting to instill.
“If you’re so worried about people seeing it or asking about it, you could just wear your uniform like the rest of us,” she countered, doing her best to steady the shakiness in her voice. “It looks silly. Of course, I know you don’t care what I think, and you certainly didn’t ask me for my opinion. So forget I said anything.”
She finally found the conviction to push him back, brushing past him to return to the hallway. He caught her before she made it out of reach, snatching her arm and yanking her to a halt. As much as she wanted to turn and face him, maybe even reprimand him for his uncalled for behavior, she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of commanding her attention yet again.
He’d been orchestrating this little confrontation of theirs from the start, deciding what they talked about and how much they said, and she hadn’t exactly done anything to stop him. But she wasn’t going to be compliant anymore, mostly because she didn’t think she could handle it. She could already feel her self-control starting to wane, battered and weakened by the relentlessly repeated words and images that illustrated the stranger he was to her now--the strangers they were to each other.
“I swear, if you tell anyone--”
“I won’t!” she snapped with indignance, struggling against his hold in vain. “I get it, okay, I do! Pretend that we don’t know each other, that nothing happened, quit asking questions, fine! I just…wish I knew why. And if this is how you’re going to be from now on, then you’re better off just leaving me alone. I was so relieved to see you again, and confused and upset because I didn’t understand why you were here. I still don’t. I know you can’t be happy here…no, it’s obvious you’re not. It’s obvious something’s changed, but you don’t want to tell me, and that’s fine. I give up, you can be miserable and alone for all I care, if that’s what you really want. I’ll quit asking and I’ll stay away and I’ll just do my job like I’m supposed to--”
His grip tightened on her arm, and she felt an undeniable sting of heat seep through her sleeve, prickling her skin. The unmistakable sensation of his Red Aura…but wait, that didn’t make any sense. He’d been imbued with the Aura of the Blue King just like every other Clansman, right? Nova didn’t know if it was common for people to swap Clan allegiances, although she’d always gotten the impression it wasn’t standard practice. But the few that did…surely when they accepted a new Aura, their old one was meant to be replaced? Had he just failed to properly receive this new Aura in the initiation ceremony? She knew that wasn’t right, either, considering the distinct, indisputable hum of the Aura they now shared that simultaneously simmered in his touch.
So many questions, a complete lack of answers, and that’s just how things were going to stay. For the time being, at least. She chanced a glance at him over her shoulder against her better judgment, and her heart trembled at the borderline defeated expression casting a bleak shadow across his face. Perhaps her words had finally gotten through to him, or he’d been beaten down enough to have a change of heart. Maybe this attitude was as hard for him to keep up as it was for her to experience. She was sure that wasn’t exactly the case, especially considering his typical disposition, but she also knew he wasn’t totally himself. The man standing before her now had been irrevocably changed, and the only thing she wanted was a little insight, the smallest hint to help her figure out what she needed to do for him, what she could do.
He was the first one to release his hold and step away. Deliberate, careful, closed off. That was about what she expected, considering how he’d been acting, and how uncomfortable this whole exchange clearly made him. The fear that they would be discovered at any moment, that his cover would be blown, thickened the air and the tension that grew taut between them. As she started to calm down she realized the last thing she wanted was to put him in a spot that was more difficult to manage than the hole he’d already dug for himself. Maybe he’d eventually be comfortable enough to open up to her again. Or maybe things were just going to stay this way forever. Whatever the case, there wasn’t much either of them could do outside of following orders and adjusting to this new status quo.
“Just quit asking questions, and go back to pretending like this conversation, all of this, never happened,” he advised, back turned to her as he checked to see if the coast was clear for them to emerge. “It’ll make everything easier for both of us.”
Nova couldn’t agree with his sentiment, but she didn’t waste any more words trying to fight him. She felt as exhausted as he looked, his once defiant, calculating sharp blue gaze now weighed down by aimlessness, grief, and self loathing. He looked different, sounded different, acted different…but there was still enough of the man she’d known to make the fraying connection they’d somehow managed to not only establish, but sustain, viable. Worth fighting for. She wasn’t ready to give up on it just yet, on him, and in the depths of her heart she hoped that he still felt the same, even just a little.
Subtle quirks and gestures, she’d been able to read just enough of him to know that the man she loved wasn’t wholly lost to her. All she could do now was wait things out, learn from his behavior, his mood, keep her distance while remaining just close enough to ensure he didn’t have a chance to doubt her devotion. And, although she’d never have the courage or will to confront him about it, she hoped he could sense the fragile love she felt for him radiating in her every gesture, her desperate pleas for him to do anything but leave her stranded again. Back when he’d first offered her the hand that’d freed her from the void, he promised he’d never let such a tragedy reclaim her. Maybe fate was working with him to keep that promise in bringing them together once again, even if it had to happen like this.
Summary: In the aftermath of their impromptu reunion, Nova and Saruhiko make an attempt to figure out what’s changed between them, how they both ended up in this situation, and what’s worth preserving of their previous and mildly short lived companionship (if anything).
*Author’s Note*: Part 2 of my pre-S4 verse introduction, the first of which you can read here.
_____
A startled yelp jumped from her throat as she rounded a corner and was abruptly ambushed. A hand clamped firmly and deftly over her mouth to stifle it, and her first instinct was to struggle and lash out against her captor. Twisting and flailing to get a better angle on the hand so she could sink her teeth into it, she dug her claw-like nails into the arm that seized her torso. The culprit hissed sharply but refused to ease their hold, lifting her from the ground despite her thrashing. They drew her into a secluded alcove before finally deeming it safe to release her. They thrust her out of their grip with a curse, and as she spun around to face her opponent, innate reflexes ready to strike, a nauseating wave of regret filled her stomach.
“You really never change, do you?” the voice she now felt mildly conflicted to recognize inquired venomously. “Clawing the hell out of me, trying to bite me…I can’t believe you made it five seconds in this place, much less managed to be accepted.”
“It’s not like I asked for it!” she blurted in contempt, his attitude already succeeding in stoking the fire his jarring presence had managed to spark. “And what about you? What the hell are you doing here, what could have possibly happened to make you--”
“It’s none of your business,” he snapped, still taking inventory of the damage she’d done.
“None of my business? When you’re the one pretending like we’ve never met…I deserve to at least understand why. To understand anything. So what, am I supposed to just carry on with this charade until you decide it’s okay to stop?”
“Yes,” he growled, patience rapidly dwindling. “And you don’t need to understand why--”
“Then I don’t need to follow your arbitrary orders, either--”
“I’ve been just as confused and clueless about you! Where you’ve been, what happened to you!” he huffed, starting to lose the fragile grip on his composure. “For all I knew…”
Nova rubbed her forehead, ears folded back in dismay and fatigue. “I got caught,” she reluctantly explained. “It was while I was out on my own one night. I don’t even remember what I was doing, probably just stopping by the store or something. I wasn’t paying enough attention, and I guess some guys had been staking me out for a while.”
She glanced at her former companion, searching for any hint of alarm in his eyes at the news that he may have been subsequently monitored as well…but his expression remained guarded and aloof. “Anyway, they got me. Brought me back here, put me in a cell. I’m still not sure how long I was in there, but they didn’t do much to me while I was. I was starting to think they were just planning to forget about me, let me rot away in there…but then the Captain--the Blue King--started coming to talk to me. He asked me a bunch of seemingly meaningless things at first, and I failed to realize he was actually testing me the whole time. Every question had a purpose, but I was too dazed and depressed to give his visits any worthwhile consideration. Eventually he showed up with a choice, and a promise that if I pledged my allegiance to him, I wouldn’t have to worry about where I’d end up or what I’d be doing with my life ever again.”
“Promising the answers to you future…” Fushimi murmured, and Nova could sense his words were more self-directed than anything. “So you’ve been in jail for the past couple of months? I guess that would make it difficult to get in touch.”
“Oh, you’re just realizing that now?” she scoffed, finally noticing the marks she’d scored into his skin.
She took a step towards him and he flinched, a reflex she involuntarily mimicked. Had she really upset him that much? Well, to be fair, she had tried to flay him alive and almost ruined the thinly veiled cover he was seemingly so desperate to keep in place. Nothing but a nuisance to him from start to finish; that’s all she really was. From the moment he’d offered to take her in, to provide her with a safe haven where she didn’t have to worry about being kidnapped or abused or abandoned ever again, she’d caused him nothing but trouble. He’d been insistent on hiding her from his roommate, which proved more difficult than he’d initially anticipated. Maybe he truly wasn’t thinking when he’d made that deal with her. But that was all in the past, and now their paths had inexplicably intersected again, for reasons neither of them could possibly begin to fathom.
“I’m really sorry about that,” she whispered, approaching him regardless of his guarded reaction.
She trailed her fingers across his arm, noting the small areas he’d left vulnerable with his sleeves rolled up. Despite the addition of his wrist guards, the accessories were too thin and cosmetic to offer any real protection or support. Upon closer inspection, something jogged her memory about the network of knives he typically kept tucked away under his clothes. Why hadn’t he pulled one of those on her when she’d attacked him, knowing he could have easily deterred her? Even in his anger, he still found it in himself to avoid hurting her…remorse oozed through her veins, soaked her bones with a guilty ache. She wanted to be close to him, she needed to find common ground for them to share again. She didn’t want the one connection that had ever really meant anything to her to be lost forever just because of some unusual, extenuating circumstances.
“It’s nothing. Just forget about it,” he huffed, finally jerking his arm from her grasp. “And don’t let it happen again.”
“I won’t,” she vowed sheepishly, respectfully moving to give him some space. “Even if it’s hard to believe, I really am happy to see you again.”
He gave a noncommittal grunt in reply, and she knew she was still on thin ice with him. Even in the quiet that settled over them, in the privacy of this little corner they shared, the tension between them was still palpable. He seemed to be contributing most of it, and it wasn’t hard to see why. But there was also something more, something lurking just beneath the surface of his reserved exterior that told Nova something else had happened, something bigger. He had yet to mention anything about how he’d ended up here, and he seemed tight lipped enough to not plan on divulging such information any time soon. She’d told him what had happened to her, though, so didn’t that mean she had some right to know about him? Even if she didn’t, and perhaps against her better judgment, she still definitely wanted to.
“It’s interesting that we both just happened to end up here,” she continued, discreetly prodding him for some kind of response. “I’m sorry I let something so stupid happen to me. Even more sorry I couldn’t get any word to you about it. But I’ll be honest, I’ve been pretty impressed with this place so far. It’s been everything the Blue King promised, even if I haven’t been here that long…it seems like you’ve started adjusting fairly well, too. How long have you even been here? And again, I know you don’t seem to want to discuss it, but--”
“If you know I don’t want to talk about it, why are you asking?” he growled, expression instantly losing the soft edge it’d unintentionally adopted towards her. “I already told you, it’s none of your business. And I mean it. Just because we both ended up here doesn’t mean we can start acting like nothing’s changed, that we should start acting any differently than if we were strangers.”
“That’s not very fair,” Nova contended, fingers digging into her sleeves as she crossed her arms. “Why are you being so defensive about this? I mean, I won’t tell anyone about how things were, or anything I happen to know about you before you came here, if that’s what you’re worried about. But--”
Suddenly, something forbidden caught her eye. Something she knew she should have pretended not to notice, something that would have been better to scrub from her thoughts before she even had a chance to comment on it. But she wasn’t thinking clearly, the shock was too strong and too unexpected, and in a flash a thousand questions swarmed her mind. Who had done this to him, and why, and how? It must have had something to do with why he’d left that place, how he’d ended up here, and why he was being so cryptic about everything. Between her confusion and concern, there wasn’t enough room left for any sense, and the can of worms she dared to open next was an unfortunate consequence of the annoying, overbearing care and concern she still felt for him.
“What…what happened to your…?” She found it hard to articulate through the heavy lumps of fear and worry clogging her throat. “Your tattoo…who did that to you?”
His eyes clouded with pain and fury as he glanced down to confirm exactly what she was referring to, stiffening up as if she’d stabbed him and twisted the knife just for good measure. Yanking his shirt collar back over the slightly exposed area to obscure the evidence, he turned his distressed gaze back to her. He clenched his hands so tightly, covered it up so forcefully, like it was a secret he was both ashamed and enraged to acknowledge to any degree. She’d stepped on a landmine without realizing it, but now she couldn’t get the cursed image out of her head. Someone had hurt him, that much was obvious, and the wound was still fresh…especially the emotional one. Or perhaps that was the only one that truly persisted, the type of wound that wouldn’t scab over, that couldn’t be hidden or forgotten.
He charged at her, using the full extent of his height to emphasize just how easily he could overpower her. She tried to back away and he matched her step for step, advancing until her back was to the wall. No amount of clawing or hissing or any manner of self defense she managed to conjure up would be enough to deter her from his wrath if he decided to unleash it now. But even in the face of his intimidation, his resentment, his display of dominance that was meant to prevent her from mentioning this ever again…she couldn’t stop wondering what had happened.
How had it happened? Why? What could she possibly have done if she’d just been there, if she’d known anything about it? While she was busy wasting her time away in that barren cell, he’d been dealing with something so much more formidable, something that’d changed the entire course of his life and scarred him--quite literally--to an extent that she had never known, and had always secretly feared encountering herself.
“Do not mention that, or bring it up in any capacity, ever again,” he seethed, and despite his best efforts she still recognized the thrum of despair in his tone. Her vision started to blur with tears, although more as a reaction to her own emotions rather than any threat he was attempting to instill.
“If you’re so worried about people seeing it or asking about it, you could just wear your uniform like the rest of us,” she countered, doing her best to steady the shakiness in her voice. “It looks silly. Of course, I know you don’t care what I think, and you certainly didn’t ask me for my opinion. So forget I said anything.”
She finally found the conviction to push him back, brushing past him to return to the hallway. He caught her before she made it out of reach, snatching her arm and yanking her to a halt. As much as she wanted to turn and face him, maybe even reprimand him for his uncalled for behavior, she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of commanding her attention yet again.
He’d been orchestrating this little confrontation of theirs from the start, deciding what they talked about and how much they said, and she hadn’t exactly done anything to stop him. But she wasn’t going to be compliant anymore, mostly because she didn’t think she could handle it. She could already feel her self-control starting to wane, battered and weakened by the relentlessly repeated words and images that illustrated the stranger he was to her now--the strangers they were to each other.
“I swear, if you tell anyone--”
“I won’t!” she snapped with indignance, struggling against his hold in vain. “I get it, okay, I do! Pretend that we don’t know each other, that nothing happened, quit asking questions, fine! I just…wish I knew why. And if this is how you’re going to be from now on, then you’re better off just leaving me alone. I was so relieved to see you again, and confused and upset because I didn’t understand why you were here. I still don’t. I know you can’t be happy here…no, it’s obvious you’re not. It’s obvious something’s changed, but you don’t want to tell me, and that’s fine. I give up, you can be miserable and alone for all I care, if that’s what you really want. I’ll quit asking and I’ll stay away and I’ll just do my job like I’m supposed to--”
His grip tightened on her arm, and she felt an undeniable sting of heat seep through her sleeve, prickling her skin. The unmistakable sensation of his Red Aura…but wait, that didn’t make any sense. He’d been imbued with the Aura of the Blue King just like every other Clansman, right? Nova didn’t know if it was common for people to swap Clan allegiances, although she’d always gotten the impression it wasn’t standard practice. But the few that did…surely when they accepted a new Aura, their old one was meant to be replaced? Had he just failed to properly receive this new Aura in the initiation ceremony? She knew that wasn’t right, either, considering the distinct, indisputable hum of the Aura they now shared that simultaneously simmered in his touch.
So many questions, a complete lack of answers, and that’s just how things were going to stay. For the time being, at least. She chanced a glance at him over her shoulder against her better judgment, and her heart trembled at the borderline defeated expression casting a bleak shadow across his face. Perhaps her words had finally gotten through to him, or he’d been beaten down enough to have a change of heart. Maybe this attitude was as hard for him to keep up as it was for her to experience. She was sure that wasn’t exactly the case, especially considering his typical disposition, but she also knew he wasn’t totally himself. The man standing before her now had been irrevocably changed, and the only thing she wanted was a little insight, the smallest hint to help her figure out what she needed to do for him, what she could do.
He was the first one to release his hold and step away. Deliberate, careful, closed off. That was about what she expected, considering how he’d been acting, and how uncomfortable this whole exchange clearly made him. The fear that they would be discovered at any moment, that his cover would be blown, thickened the air and the tension that grew taut between them. As she started to calm down she realized the last thing she wanted was to put him in a spot that was more difficult to manage than the hole he’d already dug for himself. Maybe he’d eventually be comfortable enough to open up to her again. Or maybe things were just going to stay this way forever. Whatever the case, there wasn’t much either of them could do outside of following orders and adjusting to this new status quo.
“Just quit asking questions, and go back to pretending like this conversation, all of this, never happened,” he advised, back turned to her as he checked to see if the coast was clear for them to emerge. “It’ll make everything easier for both of us.”
Nova couldn’t agree with his sentiment, but she didn’t waste any more words trying to fight him. She felt as exhausted as he looked, his once defiant, calculating sharp blue gaze now weighed down by aimlessness, grief, and self loathing. He looked different, sounded different, acted different…but there was still enough of the man she’d known to make the fraying connection they’d somehow managed to not only establish, but sustain, viable. Worth fighting for. She wasn’t ready to give up on it just yet, on him, and in the depths of her heart she hoped that he still felt the same, even just a little.
Subtle quirks and gestures, she’d been able to read just enough of him to know that the man she loved wasn’t wholly lost to her. All she could do now was wait things out, learn from his behavior, his mood, keep her distance while remaining just close enough to ensure he didn’t have a chance to doubt her devotion. And, although she’d never have the courage or will to confront him about it, she hoped he could sense the fragile love she felt for him radiating in her every gesture, her desperate pleas for him to do anything but leave her stranded again. Back when he’d first offered her the hand that’d freed her from the void, he promised he’d never let such a tragedy reclaim her. Maybe fate was working with him to keep that promise in bringing them together once again, even if it had to happen like this.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-06 09:46 pm (UTC)There was so much tension here oh man, I was on the edge of my seat! I can't wait to read more from this 'verse and hopefully see u and him become close again