Old Wounds
Jul. 3rd, 2020 08:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyanderenekoWord Count: 1,356
Summary: Nova and Dazai have a heart to heart about some of the less appealing parts of his past.
Author’s Note: This is a short and sweet fic to round off the week. CW for discussion of self harm, scars, etc. Not too graphic, but if that stuff makes you uncomfortable I’d steer clear of this piece. It’s not as expansive as I would have liked, and I may either revamp or revisit the topic with a similar/more lengthy piece, but the format falls in line with what I had planned to whip up for this week, so I’m just posting this one as is. Just an excuse to write some cute fluff as well as share one of my headcanons about Dazai’s ability (that it has a knock back effect that has a physical impact on him every time he uses it) because it’s one of my favorites and I just think it’s neat lol. Thank you for reading!
Beams of silver light streamed through the window, bathing the room in their pale, frosty glow. They pooled on the bed and cascaded across the floor, creating an almost ephemeral scene that felt even more surreal to the individuals that were caught up in it. Despite the chill that one might be tempted to associate with such a display, the atmosphere in the room was undeniably warm, inviting. That was the atmosphere they’d created for themselves, though, the feeling they’d kindled between them to suit the needs of their intimate exchange. It was strange for them to be together like this…or at least, it was something they were still getting used to. But adjusting to this new normal wasn’t unpleasant, or even that difficult…it just took time.
Time…a concept neither of them had ever had much interest in dwelling on. Neither of them had ever been very confident in knowing or depending on the details of how much time they had left, either, but that uncertainty had never really bothered them before. Now that they had someone that they wanted to live for, though, and even more people they didn’t want to leave behind…it was a very different matter. Their time, how they spent it, how cautious they were of how much they had left were all things they actually had to consider now, with consequence. They found themselves thinking about things like that more frequently, instinctively filling the empty spaces between the myriad of other thoughts that regularly bogged down their minds.
And then there was the time that had already passed, the time that they could never get back, that they could only reminisce about with a conflicting sense of bitterness and longing. Longing for the things they’d lost, bitterness that they’d lost them in the first place. Resentment for the actions and people that’d damaged them, hurt them, abandoned them…hopefully they’d never have to face any of those heinous feelings alone again. They’d pledged as much to one another, that they’d never leave each other floundering helplessly in the darkness, forsaken and forgotten. Their newly forged bond was like a light that burned away the darkness, at least some of it; and, naturally, some was better than none to them.
“Do they still hurt?” Her voice was so cautious, timid. Dazai reached for her hand, squeezing it affectionately with his own as she raised her eyes to meet his. She was referring to the scars he bore, the countless marks that marred his skin from head to toe. The evidence of his painful past that he kept hidden away, concealing them under the bandages that he’d been wearing for almost longer than he could remember.
“Sometimes,” he answered with a smile, facing her with an expression that made her heart ache. “But I’m mostly used to it now.”
“And just how bad is it now, if you don’t mind me asking?” she ventured hesitantly. “I mean, the consequence for your ability?”
“Much more manageable than it used to be,” he explained as she trailed her fingers over his skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. “I’ve had a lot of practice, a lot of time to build up my tolerance. Using my ability nowadays is pretty much a cakewalk, both before and after the side effects. I mean, I can’t remember a time when it was completely unbearable or anything like that. I probably would have given up using my ability a while ago if that was the case.”
“Because you’re not big on pain?” she asked, and he laughed.
“How many people do you know that are?”
“You’d be surprised,” she responded wryly, tensing up a little as he captured her free hand as well. “And I know not all of these are from your ability--”
“You’re right,” he replied, the indifference in his tone almost off putting. She knew he was really just that desensitized to the topic; at least where he himself was concerned. “It used to be easier for me to tell them apart, too. Well, it’s probably still fairly easy for me to do that, because no one is more familiar with these marks than I am.”
“I’m sorry you have to deal with them in the first place. I’m sorry that your ability just happened to come at such an unfortunate cost--”
“It could be worse,” he reassured, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. “When they first started showing up, when I was very young, it was much easier to tell the differences between the injuries caused by my ability, and the ones that were self-inflicted. I think one of the reasons I started trying to make them more similar was because I didn’t want people asking too many questions. In the end, though, it didn’t really matter. Because no one was ever actually that concerned about it, and I never drew any serious attention to it. Aside from the usual jokes, that is.”
“It’s not something you have to hide, or even joke about anymore,” Nova soothed as she cupped his face. He unconsciously leaned into her touch, and a crimson sheen bloomed in her cheeks at the sight of his tender display. “I know habits like that can be hard to break, but I’m just glad none of this was ever enough to overwhelm you completely. I’m sorry you ever had to suffer anything like this at all.”
“Well, humans are especially adept when it comes to suffering, aren’t they?” Dazai mused with an ironic chuckle. “Inflicting it, experiencing it…I mean, I suppose all living creatures suffer, but humans have always seemed to have a more profound relationship with it than most other species.”
“Are we getting philosophical now?” Nova teased as she ruffled his perpetually unruly tufts. “Because I’ll be honest, I think it’s a little too late for me to be coherent enough for a serious metaphysical debate about the complexities of the human condition.”
He laughed and slung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer as he nuzzled one of her ears. “No, that’s alright. There will always be time for philosophical discussions in the morning.”
“Wait until we get to the office,” she suggested playfully. “I think Kunikida would be a much better match for you to get into a profound debate like that with.”
“Does that mean you’re giving me permission…no, more than that, actively encouraging me to not only slack off at work, but spend my time trying to distract Kunikida instead?”
“You know what, I changed my mind,” Nova replied with a groan, shoving him back against the mattress. “Just shut up and go to sleep. You’re gonna get me in trouble for a day that hasn’t even started yet.”
“Hey, you’re the one that started it,” he reminded her, giving her a smirk that she promptly endeavored to smother right off his smug face with a kiss.
“Yeah, and that means I can end it, too.” Snuggling up against him, she closed her eyes and traced lazy lines across his torso, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest under her fingers. “Now go to sleep before that ego of yours ends up ruining this nice, meaningful moment we had.”
“Oh, that’s impossible,” Dazai countered as he adjusted his position and nestled her closer.
“And why is that?” Nova asked, quirking up a brow.
“Because I love you,” he answered simply, kissing the tips of her ears. “So no moment with you can ever be truly ruined.”
“You’re being smooth just to save your own ass,” she chided, playfully pushing his face away. Before he could say more she propped herself up and pressed a featherlight kiss to his cheek. “And you’re lucky you’re cute, because it works.”
“I guess I’ll just have to invest in staying cute, then,” he replied, a light dusting of pink warming his cheeks as he finally settled down to rest with her.
“You know I’ll always love you just the way you are,” she mumbled before drifting off, her hand clasped firmly and comfortingly in his own, positioned perfectly atop his delicately fluttering heart.
Summary: Nova and Dazai have a heart to heart about some of the less appealing parts of his past.
Author’s Note: This is a short and sweet fic to round off the week. CW for discussion of self harm, scars, etc. Not too graphic, but if that stuff makes you uncomfortable I’d steer clear of this piece. It’s not as expansive as I would have liked, and I may either revamp or revisit the topic with a similar/more lengthy piece, but the format falls in line with what I had planned to whip up for this week, so I’m just posting this one as is. Just an excuse to write some cute fluff as well as share one of my headcanons about Dazai’s ability (that it has a knock back effect that has a physical impact on him every time he uses it) because it’s one of my favorites and I just think it’s neat lol. Thank you for reading!
_____
Beams of silver light streamed through the window, bathing the room in their pale, frosty glow. They pooled on the bed and cascaded across the floor, creating an almost ephemeral scene that felt even more surreal to the individuals that were caught up in it. Despite the chill that one might be tempted to associate with such a display, the atmosphere in the room was undeniably warm, inviting. That was the atmosphere they’d created for themselves, though, the feeling they’d kindled between them to suit the needs of their intimate exchange. It was strange for them to be together like this…or at least, it was something they were still getting used to. But adjusting to this new normal wasn’t unpleasant, or even that difficult…it just took time.
Time…a concept neither of them had ever had much interest in dwelling on. Neither of them had ever been very confident in knowing or depending on the details of how much time they had left, either, but that uncertainty had never really bothered them before. Now that they had someone that they wanted to live for, though, and even more people they didn’t want to leave behind…it was a very different matter. Their time, how they spent it, how cautious they were of how much they had left were all things they actually had to consider now, with consequence. They found themselves thinking about things like that more frequently, instinctively filling the empty spaces between the myriad of other thoughts that regularly bogged down their minds.
And then there was the time that had already passed, the time that they could never get back, that they could only reminisce about with a conflicting sense of bitterness and longing. Longing for the things they’d lost, bitterness that they’d lost them in the first place. Resentment for the actions and people that’d damaged them, hurt them, abandoned them…hopefully they’d never have to face any of those heinous feelings alone again. They’d pledged as much to one another, that they’d never leave each other floundering helplessly in the darkness, forsaken and forgotten. Their newly forged bond was like a light that burned away the darkness, at least some of it; and, naturally, some was better than none to them.
“Do they still hurt?” Her voice was so cautious, timid. Dazai reached for her hand, squeezing it affectionately with his own as she raised her eyes to meet his. She was referring to the scars he bore, the countless marks that marred his skin from head to toe. The evidence of his painful past that he kept hidden away, concealing them under the bandages that he’d been wearing for almost longer than he could remember.
“Sometimes,” he answered with a smile, facing her with an expression that made her heart ache. “But I’m mostly used to it now.”
“And just how bad is it now, if you don’t mind me asking?” she ventured hesitantly. “I mean, the consequence for your ability?”
“Much more manageable than it used to be,” he explained as she trailed her fingers over his skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. “I’ve had a lot of practice, a lot of time to build up my tolerance. Using my ability nowadays is pretty much a cakewalk, both before and after the side effects. I mean, I can’t remember a time when it was completely unbearable or anything like that. I probably would have given up using my ability a while ago if that was the case.”
“Because you’re not big on pain?” she asked, and he laughed.
“How many people do you know that are?”
“You’d be surprised,” she responded wryly, tensing up a little as he captured her free hand as well. “And I know not all of these are from your ability--”
“You’re right,” he replied, the indifference in his tone almost off putting. She knew he was really just that desensitized to the topic; at least where he himself was concerned. “It used to be easier for me to tell them apart, too. Well, it’s probably still fairly easy for me to do that, because no one is more familiar with these marks than I am.”
“I’m sorry you have to deal with them in the first place. I’m sorry that your ability just happened to come at such an unfortunate cost--”
“It could be worse,” he reassured, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. “When they first started showing up, when I was very young, it was much easier to tell the differences between the injuries caused by my ability, and the ones that were self-inflicted. I think one of the reasons I started trying to make them more similar was because I didn’t want people asking too many questions. In the end, though, it didn’t really matter. Because no one was ever actually that concerned about it, and I never drew any serious attention to it. Aside from the usual jokes, that is.”
“It’s not something you have to hide, or even joke about anymore,” Nova soothed as she cupped his face. He unconsciously leaned into her touch, and a crimson sheen bloomed in her cheeks at the sight of his tender display. “I know habits like that can be hard to break, but I’m just glad none of this was ever enough to overwhelm you completely. I’m sorry you ever had to suffer anything like this at all.”
“Well, humans are especially adept when it comes to suffering, aren’t they?” Dazai mused with an ironic chuckle. “Inflicting it, experiencing it…I mean, I suppose all living creatures suffer, but humans have always seemed to have a more profound relationship with it than most other species.”
“Are we getting philosophical now?” Nova teased as she ruffled his perpetually unruly tufts. “Because I’ll be honest, I think it’s a little too late for me to be coherent enough for a serious metaphysical debate about the complexities of the human condition.”
He laughed and slung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer as he nuzzled one of her ears. “No, that’s alright. There will always be time for philosophical discussions in the morning.”
“Wait until we get to the office,” she suggested playfully. “I think Kunikida would be a much better match for you to get into a profound debate like that with.”
“Does that mean you’re giving me permission…no, more than that, actively encouraging me to not only slack off at work, but spend my time trying to distract Kunikida instead?”
“You know what, I changed my mind,” Nova replied with a groan, shoving him back against the mattress. “Just shut up and go to sleep. You’re gonna get me in trouble for a day that hasn’t even started yet.”
“Hey, you’re the one that started it,” he reminded her, giving her a smirk that she promptly endeavored to smother right off his smug face with a kiss.
“Yeah, and that means I can end it, too.” Snuggling up against him, she closed her eyes and traced lazy lines across his torso, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest under her fingers. “Now go to sleep before that ego of yours ends up ruining this nice, meaningful moment we had.”
“Oh, that’s impossible,” Dazai countered as he adjusted his position and nestled her closer.
“And why is that?” Nova asked, quirking up a brow.
“Because I love you,” he answered simply, kissing the tips of her ears. “So no moment with you can ever be truly ruined.”
“You’re being smooth just to save your own ass,” she chided, playfully pushing his face away. Before he could say more she propped herself up and pressed a featherlight kiss to his cheek. “And you’re lucky you’re cute, because it works.”
“I guess I’ll just have to invest in staying cute, then,” he replied, a light dusting of pink warming his cheeks as he finally settled down to rest with her.
“You know I’ll always love you just the way you are,” she mumbled before drifting off, her hand clasped firmly and comfortingly in his own, positioned perfectly atop his delicately fluttering heart.