What Keeps You Up at Night?
Apr. 24th, 2019 08:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyanderenekoWord Count: 1,562
Summary: A simple question leads to a discussion she isn’t sure she’s ready to have, but that he’s determined to work through for her sake.
*Author’s Note*: Trigger warning for mentions of mental and emotional abuse, low self-esteem, the usual stuff. Title is very on the nose, but I don’t think that’s such a big deal. Just something I was thinking about writing ft. Yuki because he has self-worth and rejection issues I can identify with, although I don’t think I’ve been treated nearly as harshly as him. Spoiler warning, kind of, in that case too…and I hope you enjoy!
“What keeps you up at night?”
It was a sudden, unexpected question, but she couldn’t think of a reason not to answer it. “A lot of things. Why do you ask?”
The silver haired man shrugged, resting his head against the back of the couch as he fixed his gaze on the blank ceiling. “I guess I was just curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“No, no, it’s fine,” she replied with a wave of her hand. “It just not the kind of question I was expecting to hear. But uh, like I said, lots of things keep me up. Mostly anxiety and bad memories, unfortunately. I mean, I try to think of good things, and doing that is what usually helps me get to sleep at all. But I tend to dwell on unpleasant things in my downtime, and the time while I’m trying to fall asleep is no exception.”
“I get caught up in thoughts like that sometimes, too,” he added, although she would have been more surprised if he’d told her he didn’t.
Nova’d wanted to hear everything from Yuki firsthand, aware that it was probably best to go straight to the source about serious matters like this. She’d been tempted to reach out to Hatsuharu or Ayame, since they were the ones that’d brought the subject to her attention in the first place. But she thought that seemed a little rude, especially considering the nature of her inquiry, the questions she wanted answers to. Once he’d started explaining, she’d quickly realized she couldn’t stand knowing much more. The bitter, unacceptable truth of the grave atrocities he’d been subjected to, the months, no, years of psychological torture that’d left him scarred to this day. She was honestly shocked he’d made it as far as he had…when he smiled, she couldn’t detect any traces of the pain that surely resurfaced in the quiet moments, the intervals of solitude where his mind was left to wander aimlessly down darker avenues, returning to depths of thought and memory that he would have been better off never coming across again.
“I’m sorry.”
He raised an eyebrow, observing her out of the corner of his eye. “There’s nothing you need to apologize for. It’s just how things are.”
“That doesn’t make it right,” she challenged, fingers tightly curling up until they turned white.
He’d recounted most of the horrid details to her, insisted on filling in as many gaps as he could even when she’d told him he could stop. She felt selfish, foolish for even bringing it up in the first place, since she harbored her own vault of unpleasant experiences and memories that felt impossible to escape. As much as she wanted to lock them away, to avoid dwelling on them in the passive, uneventful pauses when there was nothing to distract her from spiraling back towards such despair…she hadn’t mastered that level of self-control yet. She wasn’t sure she ever would. Wrestling with her own mind…it was exhausting enough to manage it as things were; the idea of pushing any further had always seemed more daunting, less appealing than just continuing to endure like she always had.
“It may not be right, but even that doesn’t change what happened. Nothing can change that,” he pointed out, but she didn’t want to accept that. When she remembered all he’d been through, she just wanted to protect him, to go back in time and save him from those hardships. And he would have been willing to do the same for her.
“We don’t need to talk about this anymore.” Her voice was thick as she reached out to take his hand. “I didn’t mean to have us end up discussing this. I mean, I know I brought it up, but that was only really pertaining to me. If it’s painful—”
“It is.” Her eyes widened in distress at his bluntness. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about it. That I don’t want to share it with you. It’s an important part of me, of who I am now. And I think you deserve to know about it.”
“It’s not about me deserving to know anything,” she argued, fighting to remind herself to not crush his hand in her grasp. “This isn’t information anyone just becomes worthy of. It’s not something anyone needs to know, and I’m sorry again for bringing it up—”
“I’m the one who asked, and there was no guarantee your answer was going to be positive,” he objected. “I don’t want you to have to keep those kinds of feelings to yourself. I know what it’s like…and I don’t want you to have to feel that kind of loneliness again. Plus, you already know about the curse, and a lot of what happened to me and the others is just part of what came with it. They go hand in hand…and it’s impossible to wholly erase that relationship.”
“I just…I just want to be here for you.” She was barely getting the words out now, but she didn’t want to fall to pieces just yet. She had to make it to the end of her speech. “You didn’t have to tell me anything, or everything, and you still don’t.”
“Listen, I promise—”
“I know you’re just going to say it isn’t a problem, that I didn’t do anything wrong. Whether or not that’s true, we can argue more about it later, or not, that’s not what’s important to me right now. What I want you to know is…you just have to know that you matter to me, more than anything.” She pressed the back of his hand to her cheek, squeezing it as she continued. “I would be so sad, alone, aimless without you. Your presence in my life, I don’t think I have the words to properly describe the impact you’ve made, all you’ve done for me. Just by existing, just by sitting here next to me, or being in the same space as me. For giving me the time of day at all, but even if we’d never spoken, your smile can make people happy all on its own. It made me happy to see, and I don’t know, maybe that’s just because I like you. Maybe I read too much into things, or I rely on putting my surroundings into my own context to benefit myself. But you made me happy before we even properly met, Yuki, before we’d ever said two words to each other.”
“That’s quite an overstatement,” he replied, and she met his gaze with glossy eyes. “But thank you for saying it. For saying all of that, and for listening to me, too. You don’t have to try so hard to get your point across. Despite my joking, I don’t doubt you. And again, I’m kind of the one who opened the door for this subject to come up in the first place.”
“I just know what it’s like,” Nova admitted, deciding too late that it was really unnecessary to do so. Comparing something like this, it was immature and rude. But the ache in her heart wouldn’t let her put the matter to rest just yet. “It wasn’t as straightforward or all-encompassing as what happened to you, although in some ways it felt that way to me anyway. In some ways it still feels suffocating. When I’m alone with my thoughts, with those memories and all those feelings of worthlessness, I ask myself if there’s even any point in bothering to refute it at all. If it’s only affecting me, only making me sad, why does it matter? Especially if I deserve to feel that way. I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t matter, and have that reminder hammered into you over and over again. I’ve always felt like if I don’t have a reason to live, if I’m not doing enough, if I’m not contributing enough, then I’m not worth anything. I still feel that way, but when I’m with you, I feel like I can breathe a little easier. I feel like I can just exist beside you, and when I’m doing that, it really is enough. And you make me happy just by being here, too, just by existing. Knowing you’re alive and happy makes me happy all on its own.”
Fingers delicately caressed her cheek and soft, warm lips met her own. He moved them to her forehead and she melted against him, soothed by the comfort he radiated like the sun. This person…the world would surely be a bleaker place without him. How anyone could ever have convinced him otherwise, made him face a void of despair that spread from his mind to envelope his entire being…she wanted them to feel what he felt. She wanted them to know what they’d done, and understand just how vile their actions were, how much damage they’d caused. She wound her arms around him and hugged firmly, afraid that if she hesitated, he might vanish before her eyes. That this special world that she was living in, that she’d only been able to reach with his help, would shatter. The illusion of the peace he introduced her to would dissipate, and if that happened, she didn’t know how she could possibly keep herself from falling apart.
Summary: A simple question leads to a discussion she isn’t sure she’s ready to have, but that he’s determined to work through for her sake.
*Author’s Note*: Trigger warning for mentions of mental and emotional abuse, low self-esteem, the usual stuff. Title is very on the nose, but I don’t think that’s such a big deal. Just something I was thinking about writing ft. Yuki because he has self-worth and rejection issues I can identify with, although I don’t think I’ve been treated nearly as harshly as him. Spoiler warning, kind of, in that case too…and I hope you enjoy!
_____
“What keeps you up at night?”
It was a sudden, unexpected question, but she couldn’t think of a reason not to answer it. “A lot of things. Why do you ask?”
The silver haired man shrugged, resting his head against the back of the couch as he fixed his gaze on the blank ceiling. “I guess I was just curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“No, no, it’s fine,” she replied with a wave of her hand. “It just not the kind of question I was expecting to hear. But uh, like I said, lots of things keep me up. Mostly anxiety and bad memories, unfortunately. I mean, I try to think of good things, and doing that is what usually helps me get to sleep at all. But I tend to dwell on unpleasant things in my downtime, and the time while I’m trying to fall asleep is no exception.”
“I get caught up in thoughts like that sometimes, too,” he added, although she would have been more surprised if he’d told her he didn’t.
Nova’d wanted to hear everything from Yuki firsthand, aware that it was probably best to go straight to the source about serious matters like this. She’d been tempted to reach out to Hatsuharu or Ayame, since they were the ones that’d brought the subject to her attention in the first place. But she thought that seemed a little rude, especially considering the nature of her inquiry, the questions she wanted answers to. Once he’d started explaining, she’d quickly realized she couldn’t stand knowing much more. The bitter, unacceptable truth of the grave atrocities he’d been subjected to, the months, no, years of psychological torture that’d left him scarred to this day. She was honestly shocked he’d made it as far as he had…when he smiled, she couldn’t detect any traces of the pain that surely resurfaced in the quiet moments, the intervals of solitude where his mind was left to wander aimlessly down darker avenues, returning to depths of thought and memory that he would have been better off never coming across again.
“I’m sorry.”
He raised an eyebrow, observing her out of the corner of his eye. “There’s nothing you need to apologize for. It’s just how things are.”
“That doesn’t make it right,” she challenged, fingers tightly curling up until they turned white.
He’d recounted most of the horrid details to her, insisted on filling in as many gaps as he could even when she’d told him he could stop. She felt selfish, foolish for even bringing it up in the first place, since she harbored her own vault of unpleasant experiences and memories that felt impossible to escape. As much as she wanted to lock them away, to avoid dwelling on them in the passive, uneventful pauses when there was nothing to distract her from spiraling back towards such despair…she hadn’t mastered that level of self-control yet. She wasn’t sure she ever would. Wrestling with her own mind…it was exhausting enough to manage it as things were; the idea of pushing any further had always seemed more daunting, less appealing than just continuing to endure like she always had.
“It may not be right, but even that doesn’t change what happened. Nothing can change that,” he pointed out, but she didn’t want to accept that. When she remembered all he’d been through, she just wanted to protect him, to go back in time and save him from those hardships. And he would have been willing to do the same for her.
“We don’t need to talk about this anymore.” Her voice was thick as she reached out to take his hand. “I didn’t mean to have us end up discussing this. I mean, I know I brought it up, but that was only really pertaining to me. If it’s painful—”
“It is.” Her eyes widened in distress at his bluntness. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about it. That I don’t want to share it with you. It’s an important part of me, of who I am now. And I think you deserve to know about it.”
“It’s not about me deserving to know anything,” she argued, fighting to remind herself to not crush his hand in her grasp. “This isn’t information anyone just becomes worthy of. It’s not something anyone needs to know, and I’m sorry again for bringing it up—”
“I’m the one who asked, and there was no guarantee your answer was going to be positive,” he objected. “I don’t want you to have to keep those kinds of feelings to yourself. I know what it’s like…and I don’t want you to have to feel that kind of loneliness again. Plus, you already know about the curse, and a lot of what happened to me and the others is just part of what came with it. They go hand in hand…and it’s impossible to wholly erase that relationship.”
“I just…I just want to be here for you.” She was barely getting the words out now, but she didn’t want to fall to pieces just yet. She had to make it to the end of her speech. “You didn’t have to tell me anything, or everything, and you still don’t.”
“Listen, I promise—”
“I know you’re just going to say it isn’t a problem, that I didn’t do anything wrong. Whether or not that’s true, we can argue more about it later, or not, that’s not what’s important to me right now. What I want you to know is…you just have to know that you matter to me, more than anything.” She pressed the back of his hand to her cheek, squeezing it as she continued. “I would be so sad, alone, aimless without you. Your presence in my life, I don’t think I have the words to properly describe the impact you’ve made, all you’ve done for me. Just by existing, just by sitting here next to me, or being in the same space as me. For giving me the time of day at all, but even if we’d never spoken, your smile can make people happy all on its own. It made me happy to see, and I don’t know, maybe that’s just because I like you. Maybe I read too much into things, or I rely on putting my surroundings into my own context to benefit myself. But you made me happy before we even properly met, Yuki, before we’d ever said two words to each other.”
“That’s quite an overstatement,” he replied, and she met his gaze with glossy eyes. “But thank you for saying it. For saying all of that, and for listening to me, too. You don’t have to try so hard to get your point across. Despite my joking, I don’t doubt you. And again, I’m kind of the one who opened the door for this subject to come up in the first place.”
“I just know what it’s like,” Nova admitted, deciding too late that it was really unnecessary to do so. Comparing something like this, it was immature and rude. But the ache in her heart wouldn’t let her put the matter to rest just yet. “It wasn’t as straightforward or all-encompassing as what happened to you, although in some ways it felt that way to me anyway. In some ways it still feels suffocating. When I’m alone with my thoughts, with those memories and all those feelings of worthlessness, I ask myself if there’s even any point in bothering to refute it at all. If it’s only affecting me, only making me sad, why does it matter? Especially if I deserve to feel that way. I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t matter, and have that reminder hammered into you over and over again. I’ve always felt like if I don’t have a reason to live, if I’m not doing enough, if I’m not contributing enough, then I’m not worth anything. I still feel that way, but when I’m with you, I feel like I can breathe a little easier. I feel like I can just exist beside you, and when I’m doing that, it really is enough. And you make me happy just by being here, too, just by existing. Knowing you’re alive and happy makes me happy all on its own.”
Fingers delicately caressed her cheek and soft, warm lips met her own. He moved them to her forehead and she melted against him, soothed by the comfort he radiated like the sun. This person…the world would surely be a bleaker place without him. How anyone could ever have convinced him otherwise, made him face a void of despair that spread from his mind to envelope his entire being…she wanted them to feel what he felt. She wanted them to know what they’d done, and understand just how vile their actions were, how much damage they’d caused. She wound her arms around him and hugged firmly, afraid that if she hesitated, he might vanish before her eyes. That this special world that she was living in, that she’d only been able to reach with his help, would shatter. The illusion of the peace he introduced her to would dissipate, and if that happened, she didn’t know how she could possibly keep herself from falling apart.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-09-12 01:17 am (UTC)i thought this fic was gonna be him comforting u, but ur SO SWEET to him.. ur such a good gf. "What I want you to know is…you just have to know that you matter to me, more than anything.” this line is so good and genuinely kind, my heart